What Is Emotional Cheating and How Can I Stop It From Ruining My Relationship?

The effects of emotional cheating or mental cheating, both on the relationship and the individuals involved, are real and should be taken seriously. Before you confront your partner about their odd behaviors, however, it can be helpful to process the information you already have and consider how it’s impacting your current experience in the relationship. If this hits close to home, we tapped experts to share a few indicators someone might be emotionally cheating in a relationship and what to do if you think your partner(s)—or even you!—is showing signs of having an emotional affair.

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What is emotional cheating?

Before getting into the weeds of emotionally cheating, let’s get on the same page about what it means. “I define emotional cheating as the exploration of feelings or intimacy beyond the expectations and the boundaries that were mutually agreed upon by a couple within their primary relationship,” says Aurisha Smolarski, LMFT, a therapist, certified co-parenting coach, mediator, and the author of Cooperative Co-Parenting for Secure Kids: The Attachment Theory Guide to Raising Kids in Two Homes. “Usually, this consists of some level of secrecy, dishonesty, or breach of agreement.”

Given there are different relationship structures—such as casual vs. serious relationships, monogamy, “kitchen table polyamory,” and so on—what one couple considers emotionally cheating may differ from what another couple would. The part that makes it emotional cheating, though, pertains to what the person does outside the relationship. “Basically, [it’s] when someone is engaging romantically without sex with someone who is not their partner,” adds Hayli Evans, LMFT, LPCC, a therapist who specializes in trauma, stress, and relationships.

Emotionally cheating vs. platonic friendship

Now that we have the basics covered, we can get into the murkier waters of emotionally cheating. Is every emotional relationship a potential affair? Since emotionally cheating doesn’t have a sexual component, it may be trickier to discern between friendship and emotional cheating. After all, platonic love often reflects similar levels of closeness, commitment, and care to romantic love.

Emotional cheating

Emotional cheating often happens when someone in a relationship is not having their needs met by their partner(s). While communication is the best way to deal with these feelings, some may turn to emotional cheating as an alternative without even realizing it. According to Smolarski and Evans, signs of emotional cheating may include:

• Sharing intimate parts of yourself with someone who’s not your partner, and in a way that goes beyond pre-set boundaries or that your partner doesn’t consent to
• Feeling more romantically connected to someone who’s not your partner
• Keeping an outside relationship—of any kind—a secret from your partner

Platonic friendship

The above is not to say that platonic relationships can’t be intimate and deep in their own way without approaching affair status. Smolarski says they can be very supportive and a source of deep conversation and joy. The difference, she continues, is how the interactions play out and how they affect your romantic relationship. A couple of key differences, Smolarski notes, are that a platonic friendship doesn’t typically occupy the same amount of emotional and physical space as a romantic relationship, and it isn’t a relationship you have to hide from your partner(s). So, if you’re considering whether a relationship you have with someone outside of your romantic relationship is becoming questionable, consider this: Do you only share certain parts of yourself with the other person in a way that wouldn’t be okay with your partner?

Emotionally cheating vs. micro-cheating

Emotional cheating and micro-cheating are similar in some regards. “Micro-cheating involves small breaches of trust, boundaries, or agreements, typically within a relationship that lacks emotional depth,” Smolarski says. With both emotional cheating and micro-cheating, she continues, you’re probably not looking at a physical relationship. That said, micro-cheating isn’t as emotionally intense as an emotional affair, but micro-cheating is often a gateway to emotionally cheating on a partner.

“Ultimately, even when there are challenges in a relationship, the person who violates trust and boundaries needs to be able to take responsibility for their behavior and if possible, make amends.” —Hayli Evans, LMFT, LPCC, a therapist who specializes in trauma, stress, and relationships.

Why do emotional affairs happen?

Emotional affairs can occur for a number of reasons. According to Smolarski and Evans, one or both partners may:

• Have needs that aren’t met, such as emotional needs, expectations, desires, or unspoken feelings
• Feel unseen, disrespected, or not valued
• Want external validation, adoration, or connection
• Harbor resentment
• See something in another person that they want
• Feel lonely or disconnected
• Have difficulty committing
• Want to feel that secrecy, which can create a sense of excitement or thrill
• Find their current relationship structure to be stifling or controlling
• Want to escape into fantasy or bring back any novelty or excitement they feel is lacking

This is not to say that the person who was cheated on is at fault. “The person seeking validation, connection, sexual attention outside of their relationship might have some work to do in therapy that has little to do with their partner/partner’s behavior,” Evans says. “Ultimately, even when there are challenges in a relationship, the person who violates trust and boundaries needs to be able to take responsibility for their behavior and if possible, make amends.”

Warning signs of emotionally cheating in a relationship

If any of the above has resonated with you, you might be wondering whether your relationship is at risk of suffering an emotional affair. Maybe you’ve gotten too close to a work colleague or your partner has started spending a questionable amount of time with a new friend. Either way, if you worry someone might be emotionally cheating in your relationship, there are a few key warning signs to be aware of before things progress.

1. Thinking about the other person more than your partner

So, you’ve been talking to someone outside of your romantic relationship and you’re on the fence about whether you’ve become too close with them. If this other person comes up a lot in conversation, holds more of your interest, or occupies a lot of your mental space and energy—especially if it’s more than your partner does—you might be in, or approaching, emotional affair territory, according to Smolarski. This can look like spending a lot of time talking to the other person and/or hiding the communication you two have from your partner, adds Evans.

2. Being dependent on that other person

Having more loved ones than just your partner(s) to go to in times of need is healthy—and, if you go to another person more often than your partner, you may want to think more deeply about why. “Another sign is feeling dependent upon that person for connection and seeing them as a confidante, especially if you don’t feel the same toward your primary partner,” Smolarski says. “You may rely on that person for validation, or look to share thoughts and feelings with them that you do not share with your partner.” If you feel like a particular friend may be more helpful with a specific situation, that’s fair. Just consider kindly letting your partner know. Evans says “attempting to get needs met by someone outside of the relationship, without consent,” is a warning sign of an emotional affair.

3. Being dishonest with your partner

This can look like hiding or withholding information about that outside relationship, or getting defensive when questioned about it. “If you feel you have to justify that friendship, it is likely time to assess what’s going on,” Smolarski says.

A noteworthy exception is when you’re dealing with a controlling partner who may question your friendships and accuse you of cheating for no reason. Other signs of a controlling partner include isolation, threatening you in overt or covert ways, and using guilt to manipulate you. “In addition to these [larger] signs, you should also be alert to small signs, such as planning your outfits for the day based on pleasing the other person [who is not your partner], or going out of your way to have your lunch or coffee breaks link up,” Smolarski adds. Basically, if it feels like you’re back in the dating phase and hoping to win the other person’s affection a little too much, you may be entering emotional cheating territory.

4. Feeling or getting flirty with another person

If you’re in an exclusive relationship, having romantic feelings or fantasies about others—and especially flirting with them—can be another sign of crossing the line in a relationship, according to Evans. To be clear, this doesn’t mean you have to deny your attraction to celebrities like Ryan Gosling and Margot Robbie (thanks, “Barbie”!). Just consider watching how far those thoughts go, how often you talk about them with your partner, and how your partner feels.

What to do if your relationship is affected by an emotional affair

If you’re emotionally cheating

If you think you’re emotionally cheating on your partner, Smolarski recommends addressing the situation in four steps:

1. Acknowledge that you’re emotionally cheating, then stop defending it so you can get to the root of your true needs and wants.
2. Ask yourself why you’re having an emotional affair. Could your partner meet those needs instead if you talked to them about it?
3. Open up a conversation with your partner about the issues, needs, and concerns on your mind.
4. Set healthy boundaries with the person who you’ve been emotionally cheating with so you can focus on your primary relationship.

Evans emphasizes the helpfulness and importance of seeing a trusted mental health professional. They can help you discern your wants and needs, as well as what move might be useful as you attempt to mend your romantic relationship. “Often, working with a therapist can help you to explore the dynamics of your relationships, but also to help navigate the conversations that need to happen between you and your partner(s).”

If your partner is emotionally cheating

If you notice signs that your partner(s) is emotionally cheating on you, one helpful step can be having an open conversation, either in a safe space or with a therapist. During that conversation, Smolarski recommends discussing boundaries and agreements, leading with curiosity, asking direct questions about the nature of the other relationship, sharing how you feel, and refraining from placing blame or making accusations. “Then, reassess whether you are on the same page about that, both in general and specifically with respect to the friendship in question,” she says.

How to protect your relationship

Schedule regular check-ins and communication

Communication in a relationship is important not only reactively, but also proactively. “Discuss how your relationship is doing,” Smolarski says. “Have open and vulnerable conversations about your emotional and physical needs, and discuss if and how they are being met.” You can do this with just each other or with a couples therapist, she continues. A couples therapist can help you “find ways to continue to grow together, maintain connection, and navigate difficult or stressful times.”

Evans agrees that reaching out to a therapist who works with couples is your best bet. “Navigating emotions and stories surrounding infidelity can be treacherous, but also important work,” she says. Additionally, she encourages connecting with your support system. “Our loved ones can help provide perspective and love in difficult times,” she says. “You’re not alone.”

Discuss boundaries thoroughly

What are your boundaries? What are your partner’s boundaries? Do you each feel respected? “If you feel your boundaries are being pushed, talk about it,” Smolarski says. “Sweeping little boundary breaches under the rug can cause them to become bigger issues later on.” Smolarski also advises not automatically agreeing to every boundary; rather, consider whether your partner’s needs feel achievable to you and be honest with them about whether you can meet their needs, and vice versa. “Only agree to them if you know you will be able to uphold them,” she says. If you agree and later discover it won’t work for you—like you said you were okay with a casual relationship, but you’re actually not—talk about it, and don’t just break your partner’s boundary.

Cultivate positive, meaningful moments

Another way to be proactive in a situation where one partner is emotionally cheating is by creating daily acts of love, connection, intimacy, and appreciation, according to Smolarski. “Continue to bring energy into the relationship instead of letting it seep out,” she says. This might look like going back to your first-date spot after a couple of years, or making a photo album together, just to keep the emotional intimacy flowing.

Listen to each other

No matter what you’re doing, remember to actively listen to your partner’s words and actions. “So often, our conflicts come from misunderstanding what our partner is actually trying to communicate,” Evans says. This type of listening is beneficial for both positive and negative interactions, and can look like committing to the conversation and asking questions, for example. “Listen to your partner with the intention of understanding their perspective instead of speaking your own opinions,” Evans says. “Talk about your expectations, and listen. Talk about your emotions, and listen.” In other words, communication is a two-way street that involves both sharing and listening.

Give each other the benefit of the doubt (to some degree)

As the saying goes, “when you assume, you make an ass out of u (you) and me.” While it’s not the nicest-sounding proverb, it’s true—and pertains closely to what we’re talking about here. “During conflict or miscommunication, choose to expect that your partner is approaching the relationship in good faith and with your best interest in mind,” Evans advises. “Communicate from that gracious place, and it’s easier to get to the root of what your partner means, even if they aren’t communicating it in a way that resonates with you.” At the same time, if your gut is telling you something is wrong, listen. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt isn’t always the best idea.

Have fun

Relationships are more than just serious conversations, compromises, and meaningful moments. It’s important for them to be lighthearted, exciting, and joyful, too! “Spend quality time together where you’re talking and doing something fun instead of looking at a screen in the same room,” Evans advises. “Talk about your sexual fantasies and desires, and do them—go on dates, go outside, laugh, create memories together, on purpose.”

When to seek professional help for emotionally cheating

If you’re afraid someone in your relationship—including you—might be emotionally cheating, it’s better to be safe than sorry and seek out a counselor soon. “You should seek professional help as soon as you realize you are having an emotional affair,” Smolarski says. “If possible, seek help before you actually engage in an affair.” Individual support and couples therapy are both more specific options that might be a fit for you, helping you make good decisions for yourself and your relationship, she adds.

Again, you may also want to consider going preemptively, or at the first sign of potential infidelity, per a 2011 study in Psychology Research and Behavior Management Vol. 4. No shame! “There is no harm in seeking professional help early,” Evans says. “If you are worried about the state of your relationship, or are repeatedly having the same conversations without resolution, seek professional support.” She adds that couples therapy can introduce new perspectives and tools that help prevent issues further down the line. “Don’t think about therapy as a bad omen or as a sign that your relationship is doomed to fail,” she says. “Think of it as a sign of your dedication to continued growth.”

Can a relationship survive someone emotionally cheating?

In short, a relationship can survive emotional cheating—with a caveat. “Relationships can survive most things if both partners are committed to doing the work required,” Evans says. Referencing psychotherapist Esther Perel’s book The State of Affairs, she speaks to how infidelity is one of many crises that forces couples to have conversations they’ve avoided for years (and wish they had sooner) about their unmet needs, longings, and frustrations. In this way, addressing a situation where a partner is emotionally cheating can help the relationship grow.

On the other hand, if any of the parties in the relationship are unwilling to put in the effort to communicate with each other or change their behaviors, it may be time to call it quits. You might also want to keep an eye out for signs of gaslighting or serial cheater traits, such as commitment issues, before moving forward.

Should you break up over someone emotionally cheating?

Whether you should break up with your partner over emotional cheating depends on various factors; it’s not the same for every relationship. “If you and your partner are able to repair your relationship and rebuild trust, you can avoid a breakup,” Smolarski says. “If you can create healthy boundaries that feel safe and mutual, move on from the breach in trust, and reach a place of increased security and connection where you both feel your needs are being met, then you may look back on the incident of cheating as a bump in the road.” If your relationship feels too unhealthy and irreparable, though, breaking up might be the way to go.

Evans largely agrees. “If one or both partners are ‘checked out’ or unwilling to do the work to get the relationship to a place where trust can be re-built, then maybe the relationship ending is the best option,” she says. “However, often affairs are symptomatic of more deeply rooted problems that, when addressed, can bring healing to the relationship and allow partners to adapt and grow even stronger than they were before the breach happened.”

If you're the person who’s been emotionally cheated on, any way you feel about the situation is valid. You (like your partner) have a decision to make, and there’s no judgment either way. Just know that healing after being cheated on—with or without that partner—is possible.