How To Handle a Case of ‘the Icks’ in a New or Long-Term Relationship

Imagine you’re on a first date, the conversation flows effortlessly, and everything seems perfect until your date casually mentions they love to collect used postage stamps. Suddenly, the excitement you had for this person starts to fade and everything feels, well, a little less appealing. This gut reaction, where a small detail or behavior triggers a bit of distaste, is often referred to as getting ‘the ick.’ And, unfortunately, there are a lot of things that can ick people out.

Getting the ick in relationships is a surprisingly common thing, often becoming apparent when we encounter a trait or habit that clashes with our standards or expectations. “The ick refers to a sudden feeling of dislike, repulsion, or aversion towards something or someone that you were previously interested in or attracted to,” explains Dr. Melissa Cook, relationship expert and psychologist . “It can come out of nowhere and may be caused by a specific trait, mannerism, or behavior that immediately and unexpectedly turns you off. When you have the ick, it can change your perception of someone or something entirely.” Plus, it can lead to reevaluating the potential for a meaningful connection. What might start as a minor annoyance can quickly snowball into a significant deal-breaker, impacting how you view the relationship as a whole.

Luckily, understanding the dynamics of getting the ick can help foster healthy relationships and personal growth. By recognizing the triggers and exploring your reactions, you can learn more about your values and boundaries. Ahead, learn more about the ick, what you can do if you get it, and how to healthily manage your relationships.

What does it mean if you get the ‘ick’?

As Cook explained, the ick is when you get a feeling of dislike towards someone because of something they did. Jessica Alderson, Co-Founder and CEO of dating app So Syncd explains it deeper, adding, “The ick is a term that describes a sudden drop in attraction towards a romantic partner due to specific habits, quirks, traits, or behaviors” And, while this sounds ominous for a relationship, the ick isn’t always a sign that the relationship is going downhill. “It’s marked by a clear shift in perception and can be triggered by something seemingly insignificant, such as the way someone chews their food or their fashion choices,” says Alderson. Due to this, people can get the ick for many insignificant reasons, which might just mean they have different preferences. However, if someone constantly feels the ick towards their partner, it can serve as a powerful indicator of deeper values or boundaries, which might be a sign the relationship is not for you.

What does the ‘ick’ look like?

The ick can manifest itself in a range of different ways. It’s often a sudden, inexplicable feeling of discomfort toward someone you were previously attracted to. (Think of the body’s natural sense of disgust—which can help us avoid diseases and potentially harmful interactions, according to a 2012 study¹—but applied to your relationships.) It can be triggered by something as small as an annoying habit (say, chewing with your mouth open), a particular mannerism (perhaps clicking your tongue), or even a comment that clashes with your values or expectations. For example, you might find yourself put off by the way someone says certain words, talks about themselves, or dresses.

“Many icks are a part of someone’s personality, so think carefully before bringing it up because it can feel like a personal attack if not said with respect.” —Sofie Roos, licensed sexologist and couples therapist from Passionerad

On a deeper note, “Experiencing the ick can make you feel annoyed, repelled, or awkward in someone’s presence,” says Dr. Joy Berkheimer, chief sexologist at SXWA. “You might want to steer clear of them or even leave the room if they’re nearby. The thought of them getting too close or trying to kiss you might be off-putting. Additionally, the ick can function as a way to protect yourself, especially if you find it hard to trust others or feel like you’re being ignored.”

Why am I suddenly getting the ‘ick’?

Wondering why you’re suddenly getting the ick? We have some reasons for that. For one, it can often come from a clash in values or behaviors that were previously unnoticed or overlooked. For example, discovering that a partner has poor hygiene habits or doesn’t have basic manners can be a big turn-off. (i.e. Maybe they’re a chronic people pleaser or they have an aggressive communication style.) “It often comes from behaviors or sayings that are the opposite of what you find attractive, and they often have a silly touch to it instead of being something too serious, because if it’s more serious, that’s something called a red flag, turn-off, or deal breaker, explains Sofie Roos, licensed sexologist and couples therapist from Passionerad. “So, when someone does or says something that doesn’t go along well with what you’re looking for in a partner, triggers a stereotype you don’t like or reminds you of someone you don’t work with or have a bad experience with as a person, it might trigger the ick!”

How do I tell my partner they’re giving me the ‘ick’?

Telling your partner that they’re giving you the ick is never fun, but it’s crucial to approach the conversation with honesty and empathy. Before you dive in, start by reflecting on your feelings to ensure you understand what exactly is triggering this reaction. (It’s important to distinguish whether the ick is due to a specific behavior that can be addressed or if it reflects a deeper incompatibility.) “The best way is to bring it up in a situation where you both are comfortable and calm and to tell about what gives you the ick in a nice way and then explain WHY it triggers you,” says Roos. “This way your date/partner can understand you better, and hopefully react to it with respect and try to change.”

Additionally, it’s important to know that some icks are not someone else’s fault. “Many icks are a part of someone’s personality, so think carefully before bringing it up because it can feel like a personal attack if not said with respect,” notes Roos. Bottom line: be kind and think about how you would feel if someone was telling you things they didn’t like about you.

How do you fix the ‘ick’?

1. Identify the trigger

The first step in fixing the ick is to understand where it’s coming from. Take some time to reflect on whether the feeling is triggered by a specific behavior, a deeper issue, or perhaps even something unrelated to your partner that’s affecting your perception. This self-reflection can help you determine whether the ick you feel is something that can be addressed or if it’s signaling a more significant problem in the relationship. Journaling or talking to a friend can also help you approach the situation with a clearer mind.

2. Communicate openly and honestly

Once you’ve identified the root cause of the ick, the next step is to communicate with your partner. Choose a calm, private moment to express your feelings without placing blame. “Communicate respectfully, with specificity, and with a clear request so the person knows what they can do differently to change the ick,’ suggests Dr. Tierney. Use “I” statements to focus on your experience rather than making accusations. For example, “I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected lately because of [specific behavior].” This opens the door for a constructive conversation where both of you can talk about the issue together. Plus, honest communication can often resolve misunderstandings and bring you closer as a couple.

3. Reframe your perspective

Sometimes, the ick can go away by simply changing the way you think about the triggering behavior. Instead of focusing on what bothers you, try to see it in a more neutral or even positive light. For instance, if a quirky habit is causing you to be icked out, remind yourself of the qualities you appreciate about your partner.

4. Rebuild emotional intimacy

Often, the ick can occur when emotional intimacy starts to wane. To counteract this, focus on rebuilding your emotional connection with your partner. Try activities that foster closeness, such as spending quality time together, sharing your thoughts and feelings, and expressing gratitude for each other. Building a strong emotional foundation can help lessen the ick and strengthen your relationship over time. (Yay!)

5. Give it time and space

It’s important to give both yourself and the relationship time and space. The ick can be a fleeting feeling, and with time, it may fade on its own. Let yourself step back and observe how your feelings change without making any hasty decisions. In some cases, taking a brief break from each other can improve the overall relationship.

Should you break up if you get the ‘ick’?

Simply put, you shouldn’t immediately break up with someone if you get the ick. In fact, a 2022 study² in Nature Reviews Psychology found that individuals with insecure attachment styles who actively avoided entering relationships for fear of something going wrong were doing themselves a disservice by also avoiding potentially healthy relationships that may help them grow. However, there are some things to think about. “The ick can help or harm us, depending on the root cause,” says Alderson. “It can be a sign that someone isn’t right for you or it can be a manifestation of deeper issues that need to be addressed. These deeper issues can be relationship-specific challenges that you will need to work through as a couple or they can be personal issues that require individual self-reflection and growth.”

“To truly overcome the ick, you need to determine whether it’s a momentary blip or a sign of deeper incompatibility.” —Dr. Melissa Cook, relationship expert and psychologist

Additionally, it’s best not to make any rash decisions when you get the ick. As we mentioned before, think about why you have the ick and what might be triggering it. Then, go from there. It’s also smart to consider the overall quality of the relationship, including emotional connection, mutual respect, and shared values. If after addressing the issues, the ick is still there and fundamentally affects your attraction or trust, it might be a sign that the relationship isn’t fulfilling your needs. Ultimately, making the decision to break up should be based on a thorough evaluation of whether the relationship can grow past these challenges or if it’s time to move on. That said, if you’re sure you’re falling out of love, it may be time to let the relationship go.

Can a relationship recover from the ‘ick’?

Yes, a relationship can recover from the ick, but it will require effort from both partners. Once a relationship starts to fizzle, the key to overcoming the ick lies in addressing the specific issues that triggered the feeling. Open and honest communication is essential; discussing what behaviors or situations are causing discomfort allows both partners to understand each other’s perspectives and work together to find solutions. This conversation should be approached with love and the goal should be to focus on how to resolve the issues rather than placing blame on someone else. “However, to truly overcome the ick, you need to determine whether it’s a momentary blip or a sign of deeper incompatibility,” notes Dr. Cook.

Final thoughts on the ‘ick’

Ultimately, the presence of the dreaded ick should be viewed as a potential turning point rather than a definitive endpoint. While it can be a bit uncomfortable, it can often provide an opportunity for couples to understand each other better. By addressing the underlying issues with open communication, mutual effort, and a willingness to change, couples can often overcome the ick (no matter what it might be) and strengthen their bond.