The bristle reaction—a term coined by sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT on TikTok. Even if you haven’t seen Marin’s videos, you’ve probably experienced the bristle reaction at least once or twice in your relationships. Picture this: You’re on the couch on a Monday at 11 p.m., catching up on episodes of Love Island, and your partner plops down and reaches for your inner thigh. Transfixed by the beach date on the screen and not in the mood for sex, you have a mini jump scare reflex that probably makes your significant other wince, too. That’s the bristle reaction.

This involuntary reaction is a physical, and sometimes emotional, distancing response to touch by a partner—usually physical touch that you’ve come to associate with sex, says Michelle Herzog, MFT, CST, a sex therapist, and founder at The Center for Modern Relationships. This typically happens as a result of common relationship problems and doesn’t necessarily mean the spark is gone.  (Because, yes, this can happen when you love your partner, too.)

So, what exactly does the bristle reaction mean, and what does it say about your partnership? Rest assured, your relationship isn’t doomed if you flinched away from a partner’s touch involuntarily once or twice. Ahead, mental health and relationship experts explain the psychology behind the bristle reaction, and how to work through connection issues with your partner.

What is a bristle reaction?

At first glance, you may be tempted to liken the bristle reaction with the “ick.” According to therapists, though, they’re quite different. The “ick” can mean that you’re checked out or turned off by a partner or potential partner and something they do, and this often happens in the earlier stages of dating, says Abby Wilson, LCSW, a therapist practicing in Texas and Florida. The bristle reaction in relationships is more of an automatic physical response to your partner’s touch. “This often happens when there are underlying intimacy issues that have not been addressed, which can make physical touch feel overwhelming for the partner,” adds Wilson. “It is basically their body communicating to them that something needs to be addressed in the relationship.”

Sometimes, in longer-term relationships, you may not be as close physically as you once were, and kissing, touching, and cuddling tend to be what results in sex, so you mentally associate those physical actions with sex, explains Herzog. It doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed, but having a bristle reaction to those forms of touch is a natural response that is worth addressing with your partner. Here’s an example, according to Herzog: You might be washing dishes and your partner sneaks up behind you for a hug and a kiss on the neck, and your automatic reaction may be to tense up. “Even though your partner may be just trying to show love and appreciation because you often don’t exhibit non-sexual touch toward each other, you associate that touch with sex,” Herzog says. “And if you’re not in the mood, you might feel a certain pressure or obligation to engage in sex when you don’t want to.”

“When partners aren’t openly discussing their needs and boundaries, misunderstandings can lead to resentment and withdrawal.” —Michelle Herzog, MFT, CST

It could also be something as mundane as your partner cuddling with you in bed as you’re trying to get to sleep after a long day, Herzog adds. If you don’t tend to be intimate and cuddle except before or after sex, your mind and body might react, essentially “rejecting” sexual touch at that moment. Other times, a bristle reaction might be a sign of a larger issue within the relationship, such as one partner feeling neglected in some way, explains Wilson. “If you feel your partner only touches you to initiate sex, you might start to feel resentful as you associate any form of touch with your partner needing something from them (especially if you aren’t in the mood to meet your partner’s need at that moment),” she says.

What causes bristle reactions?

Underlying relationship issues or intimacy issues are typically the cause of bristle reactions. All kinds of relationship dynamics can affect your sex life and intimacy. In some cases, unresolved arguments or resentments can cause physical tension (not the good kind) and distance, according to Herzog. Or, it can be a communication breakdown. This can happen especially if you have a partner who won’t go to therapy. “When partners aren’t openly discussing their needs and boundaries, misunderstandings can lead to resentment and withdrawal,” Herzog says.

It’s normal to bristle at anyone’s touch when you’ve had a stressful day at work, have family members or kids who are ill and need to be taken care of, or are dealing with any one of life’s many stressors. You might also just not be in the mood for sex for several reasons. Sometimes it’s a body image issue if you’re feeling particularly vulnerable or your body has gone through changes recently, Herzog says, like giving birth, going through physical or mental health issues, or for any other reason. It’s completely normal to shy away from sex at certain times, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it at all.

One partner might have a bristle reaction if they are a survivor of sexual trauma. According to a study in Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services¹, sudden touch could be a trigger or some sort of sensory memory awakened from that event. “Our brains are trained to survive—for fight, flight, or freeze, and this touch might remind you of something dangerous,” explains Candice Cooper-Lovett, PhD, LMFT, CST, a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, and owner of the practices A New Creation Psychotherapy Services and The Tantric MFT. It’s possible for a trigger reaction to take place even if the memory is not at all associated with your current partner. This underscores the importance of consent and clear communication, even in a long-term relationship or a marriage, adds Cooper-Lovett.

Other times, a bristle reaction can happen when you grow apart and are not used to one another’s touch. Sometimes this can be due to the effects of not having sex in a long time, says Cooper-Lovett. Your relationship can grow more platonic or mundane over time, and you may feel more like friends or roommates. Any form of touch can feel jarring in these types of situations, so your body might subconsciously respond with a knee-jerk reaction, according to Cooper-Lovett.

6 ways to overcome the bristle reaction

If you’re the partner who has the bristle reaction, here are some things you can do to evaluate where it’s coming from and how to work through it with your partner.

1. Self-reflect on your own triggers.

The first piece of the puzzle might be figuring out whether the bristle reaction stems from an issue with the relationship, such as a recent disagreement or a lack of communication around sex, or whether the bristle reaction is personal to you and might be a trauma response, according to the University of Maryland Medical System. Dissociation from a situation is a common trauma response. If it’s not necessarily trauma-related, could there be a sense of anxiety about something else you’ve recently gone through (changes in your body, a mental health struggle, etc.) that might be prompting a bristle reaction toward your partner? Herzog recommends doing a lot of thinking to put all of these pieces together. Some aids might be journaling about how you feel regarding sex and your relationship, or working with a therapist to identify patterns in your bristle reactions and potential root causes, she says.

2. Explore both the root causes and your fantasies with your partner.

If you’re the partner experiencing the bristle reaction, know that this is not solo work. There is a way to talk through this with your partner and get to the bottom of it in a way that could strengthen your relationship’s foundation. “You can communicate it in a way where it’s not blaming your partner or saying they are doing something wrong, but helping them understand that their way of initiating sex is indirect and therefore causing this uncomfortable reaction in you,” suggests Wilson. The best way to express your needs and concerns is using “I” statements, adds Herzog. That can sound something like, “I felt startled or caught off guard when you tried to touch me just now. Can we have some sort of verbal signal to check in before we start having sex?”

This doesn’t need to be a contentious conversation. Within this discussion, you can explore fantasies you’d like to try or simply more about what an ideal sex life looks like, including the frequency of sex or touch that you both prefer, advises Wilson. This could also lead to something like making out every night or establishing some kind of intimacy to practice each day that doesn’t necessarily lead to sex. That way, when you do decide to initiate sex, it’s not always associated with a sudden touch.

3. Talk about sex very directly, even outside the bedroom.

Communication about sex is so key for a healthy sex life—this isn’t anything new. It’s important to keep the lines of communication about sex open, and not just in late-night whispers, says Cooper-Lovett. It can be helpful, especially if you’re experiencing bristle reactions from time to time, for each partner to verbally initiate sex and also to talk about what you’d like to do (which can also be sexy), or what you’d like to take a pass on for now. There should be no guessing games about what you’re doing, even if you’re just talking about sex, adds Cooper-Lovett. And if you’re the partner who tends to respond to the other’s initiation of sex, respond transparently (i.e. “I’m just feeling super stressed about my work day and not in the right headspace for sex.”).

4. Practice self-care as you rebuild trust.

If trauma is involved as a root cause of bristle reactions, it can take time and patience to rebuild trust in your partner (even if they had absolutely nothing to do with the trauma you experienced), says Herzog. There are different ways you can practice self-care to prioritize your physical and emotional well-being. You could develop a solo meditation practice that helps you visualize a comforting space every time you feel triggered. Or, it may be that specialized, trauma-informed practices like certain yoga or writing programs that emphasize your autonomy and control over your own body can help you work through trauma responses that might be triggered by touch.

5. Incorporate touch that is not associated with sex.

To work on your bristle reactions to sudden touch, Cooper-Lovett recommends introducing or reintroducing different levels of touch that are non-sexual but still create intimacy with your partner. For example, try cuddling with your partner, or giving and receiving back rubs and foot rubs regularly, she suggests. And then, when you do want to kiss and touch to progress into sex, you can share with your partner the ways that you like to be touched by physically showing them and letting them know what’s too rough, too soft, or exactly how you like it, according to Cooper-Lovett. She also creates a “Yes/No/Maybe” list with clients. It’s a giant list of sexual acts that allows partners to share what they’re willing to do and not do, and maybe want to revisit in the future so that it’s all super clear and out in the open.

6. Consider working with a sex therapist.

A mental health therapist can help you work through anxiety, body image issues, or trauma that might be associated with bristle reactions. In addition or instead, working with a certified sex therapist either solo or with your partner can be helpful to guide you through sex-specific activities like the above “Yes/No/Maybe” list. “They can help you explore the roots of your reactions and restore physical and emotional connections,” says Herzog.

Is it okay to make out every day?

According to sex therapist Vanessa Marin, yes, it is totally fine to make out every day—it’s even recommended! In Marin’s TikTok videos, she discusses her daily kissing practice with her husband to strengthen their intimacy and combat the bristle reaction by separating kissing from always leading to sex. She explains that during the height of COVID-19 quarantine, she and her husband were staying home but found that they were barely kissing the way they used to when they first met, so they decided to incorporate making out, even just for a minute or so, into their nightly routine. “The point was just to have a couple of quick moments where we were fully present with each other and to try to channel some of that teenager energy,” Marin previously told Well+Good. “It has created this special connection and really brought the sense of intimacy and excitement back into our relationship,” she says.

It turns out there is some science behind this concept. According to the Gottman Institute, kissing a partner for just six seconds a day can not only help increase your connection with the person but can reduce the stress hormone cortisol and boost levels of the feel-good hormone oxytocin. Marin adds that if you’re too tired or not in the mood for sex, kissing passionately for a short while can be a way to create daily intimacy without the pressure of it being associated with sex every time.

“Their reaction to your touch doesn’t mean they are actually repulsed by you, so try not to take it personally.” —Abby Wilson, LCSW, a therapist practicing in Texas and Florida

Making out every day might not be for everyone, and that’s okay. “The idea is to choose something that feels very practicable and doable, no matter how tired you might be,” she says.As an alternative point of connection, Marin suggests making a habit of cuddling, hugging, or holding hands nightly to keep the spark alive.

How do I help my partner overcome the bristle reaction?

It may be that your partner is the one who’s experiencing a bristle reaction whenever you’ve tried to initiate sex or touch them without them expecting it. Here’s how you can work together to get past it.

1. Be mindful to not get defensive.

This is potentially the most important piece of advice when it comes to open conversations about sex. Hear the other person out fully and be mindful not to get defensive or shut down, Wilson says. “Their reaction to your touch doesn’t mean they are actually repulsed by you, so try not to take it personally,” she says. “It’s an indicator that something in the relationship needs to be addressed so you two can be on the same page.” It does not mean the relationship is doomed to fail. Seeking to understand where your partner is coming from and the root causes of their physical responses can help take you one step closer to working through the issue causing them.

Herzog recommends leading with patience and empathy in these discussions. Remind yourself that the other person might be experiencing anxiety, fear, or a trauma response around sexual touch and needs your support more than anything else.

2. Practice calmness and gentleness toward your partner.

Be mindful of both what you say and how you say it (as your parents always used to tell you). “When your partner reacts defensively or pulls away, try to respond with calmness and a gentle tone, avoiding any language or actions that might feel threatening to them,” Herzog says. Raising your voice or storming away will not help this situation. You should both respect the physical boundaries your partner has set and give them space if they need it but also provide an empathetic open space to discuss what’s going on. Reassure your partner that they are safe and loved, adds Herzog.

3. Ask what you can do to support them.

It can be hard to know what your partner needs in the moment when they’re having a bristle reaction or responding negatively to you initiating intimacy or sex. It’s also difficult not to internalize that reaction and think “This person doesn’t love me” or “this person doesn’t desire me,” says Cooper-Lovett.

“Be transparent and caring, and still hear the person,” says Cooper Lovett. You don’t have to agree about why you’re not proceeding to sex at the moment, but seek to understand your partner and lead with both empathy and curiosity. Don’t have to agree, but at least understand the person and where they’re coming from. It’s okay to not know what to do—just ask your partner how they might feel supported and give them space to respond.

4. Create intimacy outside of touch.

If you’re struggling with physical intimacy and looking for a different way to practice intimacy, there are other ways to create opportunities for intimacy outside of touch, says Cooper-Lovett. She suggests creating “aesthetic intimacy” with an art museum date or by watching the sunrise together or creating “recreational intimacy” with a picnic in the park or a run together. “Make the effort to be more connected to your partner outside of touch,” Cooper-Lovett adds. It’s about being as creative as possible.

5. Attend therapy together.

Open communication is essential to working through bristle reactions, but sometimes this is difficult to establish with your partner if it hasn’t been modeled for you in the past. You might need to work with a marriage and family therapist to mediate, says Herzog. Encourage your partner to seek professional help working through the root causes of their bristle reactions if they’re open to it, Herzog adds. You can also support your partner by helping them find the right match in a therapist or going to sessions together if the mental health professional offers that. “Creating an environment of trust and reassurance can help your partner feel more secure and foster a deeper connection in your relationship,” says Herzog.

Final thoughts on bristle reactions

According to experts, a bristle reaction isn’t necessarily a red flag of a toxic relationship. While it can come across as surprising to everyone involved at first, know that this physical response to touch is not permanent and can be addressed with time and support. If you’re serious about the relationship, make it a priority to communicate with your partner(s) about what you’re looking for in terms of sex and to establish intimacy (whether it’s a daily makeout session or a daily debrief of your days) in ways beyond physical touch. This will decrease your chances of having a bristle reaction and strengthen the connection you and your partners(s) share.