Why Do You Sleep Better Next to Your Partner? Sleep Psychologists Weigh In

“For many people, sleeping with a romantic partner is an opportunity for connection, intimacy and comfort, which can facilitate healthy sleep.”—Wendy Troxel, PhD

However, it does appear that getting better sleep with a partner requires your partner to not just be any random hook-up, but rather someone you really love or otherwise have a positive relationship with. “We’ve found that in our research that happily married women sleep better than those who are un-partnered or unhappily married,” Dr. Troxel adds.

But what if you want to get better sleep with a partner but just can’t seem to stop tossing and turning? We asked the experts the pros and cons of bed sharing, reasons people might struggle to share a bed with their boo, and more on why we all swear up and down that we really do get better sleep with a partner.

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What are some of the benefits of sharing a bed with a partner?

1. It might make you feel closer

"Sharing a bed with your partner allows for intimacy to grow. It releases oxytocin in the brain—a hormone that helps to calm down and feel closer to your partner,” says Angelika Koch, relationship and break-up expert at Taimi.

2. It might help you fall asleep faster

“Many people find that having their partner nearby helps them fall asleep faster and sleep more soundly because of the physical warmth and sense of safety with having them at arm’s reach throughout the night,” says Shelby Harris, PsyD, director of sleep at Sleepopolis.

3. Doing so might reduce inflammation

In addition to the above, licensed psychologist Shmaya Krinsky, PsyD, adds that sharing a bed with your partner might also reduce inflammation. “This is to do with having lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol,” says Dr. Krinsky. “When you‘re sleeping next to someone you love and trust, you feel relaxed and less stressed, so your body isn’t triggering the release of cortisol,” he adds. Not to mention, there’s also the joy of waking up next to your loved one, which might also help, Dr. Krinsky suggests.

What are some of the drawbacks of sharing a bed with a partner?

1. Sleep disturbances

This is especially true “if your partner snores or is more physically restless in their sleep,” says Dr. Harris. Say if your partner does that leg-jolty thing right before they fall asleep and you're a light sleeper...that might make it harder for you to fall asleep for sure.

2. Different temperature preferences

Dr. Harris also adds that if you have differences in your preferred temperature settings, sharing one bed might pose its own challenges. You can solve a lot of these by getting a larger bed and two separate duvets, but even if you do that and one person is just super hot while sleeping and acts as a living radiator, you might need more creative solutions.

3. Limited space

Dr. Harris also notes that the limited space in a shared bed can restrict movement or make it harder for both people to get comfortable.

What are some common reasons people might struggle to sleep next to a partner?

1. They have different temperature preferences

“Everyone has their own comfort zone when it comes to sleep temperature. If one of you likes it warm and the other likes it cold, it can be tough to find a happy medium. Your body’s temperature regulation plays a big role in sleep quality, so it’s important to get yours right,” says psychotherapist Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC. If you struggle to sleep next to a partner in a shared bed, try going for two duvets so each person can tug and pull to their heart’s content.

2. They might have stress or anxiety

No, not necessarily related to your partner. “Sometimes, it’s not your partner at all, [rather] the stress and anxiety you’re bringing to bed,” says Groskopf. “Sharing a bed can make it hard to wind down if you’re already feeling tense [and] stress hormones like cortisol can really impact your sleep,” she adds.

3. They might be light sleepers

If this is the case, Koch says that sharing a bed (or trying to) can lead to a frustrating experience that includes a lack of sleep, frequently waking, and restlessness.

4. They might have different sleep schedules

“One major issue is having different sleep schedules, where one partner's late-night activities or early rising can disrupt the other's sleep,” says Dr. Harris.

What are some tips for getting better sleep with a partner?

1. Get separate blankets

If sleep temperature preferences are the reason why you can’t get better sleep next to a partner, Groskopf suggests getting separate blankets or adjusting the room temperature. Still not helping? Try fans pointing in different directions. Get creative! “The goal is to find a way where both of you can sleep comfortably,” she says.

2. Try doing relaxation exercises before bed

If you find that stress or anxiety from the prior day is causing you to feel antsy in bed, Groskopf recommends trying some relaxing techniques such as deep breathing or meditation. “Creating a calming bedtime routine can make a big difference for the both of you,” she adds.

3. Lower the temperature

“Having a cooler home helps to promote a better night’s sleep,” says Koch. So, if you find yourself tossing and turning when sharing a bed with a partner, try turning the A/C up so it’s a bit cooler.

4. Get a bigger bed

Sure, upgrading to a larger bed just for the sole purpose of trying to get better sleep with a partner might not be the easiest intervention, but it is one worth mentioning. “The limited space in a shared bed can restrict movement and make it harder for both of you to get comfortable,” says Dr. Harris.

If one partner loves to sprawl and you’re sharing a bed that makes everything intimate (for better or worse), that can certainly cause sleep disruptions. You can also try getting a memory foam mattress to reduce the bounce of the bed, Koch says, as this will isolate movements a bit better if one partner is a light sleeper.

Why might you sleep better next to someone you love, scientifically speaking?

Sleeping better with a partner is largely the result of hormones. You may not be surprised to learn that oxytocin—often called the “love hormone” or “cuddle chemical” for its release during sexual arousal—plays a major role here. “Physical closeness with a partner while in bed can stimulate the release of oxytocin, which has been shown to promote a sense of calm and relaxation, which may benefit sleep,” says Dr. Troxel.

This release of sleep-promoting oxytocin can take place regardless of any intimate acts between the two of you. But given that kissing, cuddling, hugging, and sex can all trigger the release of oxytocin, the sleepy effect is likely to be that much more powerful if you cozy up to each other physically.

It's also possible that just having the company of a warm body (specifically, that of a person whom you know cares about you deeply) can be its own sleep aid, given the way that the brain perceives sleep.

“From an evolutionary perspective, sleep is a vulnerable state,” says Dr. Troxel. The mind can keep you from slipping into that state if it senses any lack of safety. (If you’ve ever felt like you were on high alert, lying in bed wide awake while trying to sleep in a foreign environment, you know this reality all too well.) “One of the primary ways we can derive safety or security is through social connections, which can lower the stress-response system, or the release of hormones including cortisol that occurs when the brain senses a threat,” says Dr. Troxel. “Having a trusted partner sleeping next to you can help down-regulate that stress signal.”

If you sleep next to a loving partner every night or consistently over time, their presence can also ease your transition into sleep for the simple fact that you’ve become used to it, says sleep psychologist Samina Ahmed Jauregui, PsyD, advisor to Pluto Pillow. “Routine and consistency is key for good sleep.”

Separately, you might also sleep better next to a partner for the way they make you feel outside of the bedroom, too. “Maintaining a close relationship [and co-sleeping with this person] could also be linked with better sleep, because a partner can help you manage stress by serving as a sounding board for your struggles and providing social support,” says sleep psychologist Rebecca Robbins, PhD, sleep advisor at sleep-tech company Oura. With lower stress levels overall, you’re more likely to drift off more easily when your head hits the pillow.

Does sleeping with a partner always improve sleep quality?

“There is no one-size-fits-all approach for couples to achieve the best sleep,” says Dr. Troxel, pointing to contradictory findings in research. “Some evidence suggests that when sleep is measured objectively (as in, through wrist-worn sleep-tracking devices), people sleep worse when sharing a bed. But if you ask the same people, ‘Do you prefer to sleep alone or with a partner?’ most will say they prefer to sleep with a partner,” she says. “This suggests that for some people, the psychological benefits of sleeping together may outweigh minor objective costs.”

For others, though, the sleep-impacting costs of sharing a bed are significant. “In some relationships, for instance, one partner might be an owl while the other is a lark, causing severe difficulties in aligning on the same sleep and wake schedule,” says Dr. Robbins. “And in other cases, one partner may have a sleep disorder, such as sleep apnea or REM sleep behavior disorder, which can be disruptive to the other.”

In other cases, a person who suffers from insomnia may also struggle more to sleep in the presence of their partner due to the tendency “to make frustrating comparisons,” says Dr. Jauregui. "Like, ‘Why can't I fall asleep as quickly or sleep as soundly as they can?’ or set unrealistic expectations, as in, ‘If my husband sleeps eight hours a night, then so should I.’” The insomniac also might hesitate to get out of bed at night for fear of disturbing their partner, even though they’re advised to do so when they’re struggling to sleep, she adds.

Sleeping separately, in all these scenarios, would allow both partners to get better sleep. Despite negative connotations around the term “sleep divorce," the choice to split from your partner at night doesn’t necessarily entail a loss of intimacy, connection, or closeness. In fact, the better you and a partner are both sleeping (whether it’s together or apart), the more your relationship will be able to thrive. “When people are well-slept, they are happier, healthier, better communicators, and more empathetic toward their partners—all cornerstones of healthy relationships,” says Dr. Troxel.

If you *do* sleep better with a partner, how can you replicate that sleep when away from them (or after a breakup)?

As noted above, sleeping more soundly next to a partner often springs from feelings of comfort, safety, calm, or connection. While you may not be able to exactly replicate the sensation of a partner's presence without them by your side, you can certainly take other measures to create the same kinds of sleep-promoting feelings.

“Things like a good-quality mattress and pillow, nightlights, pets, or the familiar sounds of the upstairs neighbor or peeping light from the outside lamppost can all bring a sense of comfort,” says Dr. Jauregui. On the slip side, the presence of a partner is certainly not the only thing that can reduce your daytime stress or slow racing thoughts before bed. “Making the time to manage your stress through other means, prioritize sleep hygiene, and normalize an occasional bad night of sleep can allow you to reap the same sleep benefits as you would when sleeping with your partner,” she says.

If you’re looking for a more tangible stand-in for your partner in their absence, you can also try a “transitional object,” says Dr. Troxel. This typically refers to an object like a blanket or a stuffed animal “that serves to provide comfort to a child at night when a parent is not with them,” she says, “but adults can use transitional objects, too—like a T-shirt or piece of clothing from a partner—to provide that sense of connection even when they’re apart from them.” Indeed, one study found that people slept better when exposed to the scent of their partner by way of a T-shirt versus when they weren’t, she adds.

If you're newly single, you can still recreate the effect of sleeping alongside a partner with a more general transitional object, like a body pillow, blanket, or even a stuffed animal, suggests Dr. Troxel. Any of these can help “provide a sense of comfort and security that may benefit sleep,” she says.