You Should Know About the ‘Grey Rock Method’ if You Have To Communicate With a Narcissist

If you’ve ever had the misfortune of dealing with a narcissistic or toxic person you know that using logic, compassion, or empathy is a losing game. Sometimes it seems like no matter how you react (or don’t), you just get more hate and vitriol thrown back at your face. That’s where the grey rock method comes in.

The grey rock method essentially entails responding to narcissistic, manipulative, or otherwise toxic behavior by hardly engaging at all, à la channeling your best grey rock. “Grey rocking is a method you can use when toxic people are trying to dominate or manipulate you,” says Marina Harris, PhD, licensed psychologist and relationship expert for the dating app Iris.“The premise is to act like a grey rock: stable, blank, and unresponsive.” If you find yourself in a situation where you must communicate with a narcissistic person, the grey rock method is something you might want to have in your emotional-response toolbox.

“Grey rocking is a method you can use when toxic people are trying to dominate or manipulate you. The premise is to act like a grey rock: stable, blank, and unresponsive.” —Marina Harris, PhD

To find out more about the grey rock method, we turned to the experts for their advice. Read on to learn more about the grey rock method—including if it’s effective, how it can protect you against people using emotional or psychological abuse tactics, and examples of how to use the grey rock method.

What’s the point of the grey rock method?

The point of the grey rock method is to basically bore the narcissistic person. “Toxic people and narcissists love drama,” says Lena Derhally, LPC, a licensed relationship therapist and author of The Facebook Narcissist: How to Identify and Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones From Social Media Narcissism. “They love to instigate, and they want to get an emotional reaction out of whoever they are targeting at the moment. [With the grey rock method], the hope is they will get bored or realize they can’t get any emotional response out of you, and will more or less stop sucking you into their drama.”

Other benefits of the grey rock method

While the grey rock method is an effective strategy for protection against narcissistic behavior, it also stands to directly benefit the person who’s using it. That’s because it can help you realize you aren’t responsible for ensuring that the narcissistic person is happy all the time. In a relationship where one person skews narcissistic, the other person often feels as if they are “‘on call’ and must ‘fix’ the narcissist’s problems to prevent the narcissist’s wrath,” says psychotherapist Kimberly Perlin, LCSW. “Grey rocking frees the loved one from the on-call-and-fix-it cycle.”

Furthermore, feeling as though you must deal with the drama of a narcissistic person can be draining and lead you to feel resentment or anger. Using the grey rock method can serve as a reminder that their need for attention doesn’t have to be a “you” problem. In fact, understanding that their issues are actually independent of anything having to do with you can help you more effectively engage the method.

Is the grey rock method effective?

“It’s hard to know whether the grey rock method is effective or not, since there is no published research or studies to assess how well it works,” explains therapist Emily Zeller, LMFT. However, Zeller adds that “there’s evidence that supports its effectiveness in not giving abusive individuals the opportunity to exploit you.” The grey rock method “is rooted in the concept of extinction, meaning that when the behavior doesn’t have the desired effect, it’s more likely to stop,” Zeller explains.

How can the grey rock method help protect you against people using emotional or psychological abuse tactics, narcissistic games, or other toxic behaviors?

Grey rocking “can be helpful for creating boundaries in our interactions with those trying to use emotional or psychological tactics of manipulation,” shares Zeller. By not showing emotions or reactions, “they’re less likely to get a thrill or enjoyment from them.”

However, Zeller adds that grey rocking won’t work in every situation and emphasizes the importance of considering your own safety. “The person you’re trying to use it with might get angry about you not showing the reaction they desire and could escalate their abusive behaviors. So always keep your safety in mind and seek support if you feel threatened,” she adds.

What’s the difference between grey rocking and social withdrawal?

If grey rocking sounds similar to social withdrawal, you’re not alone. However, Zeller explains that “the most important difference between the grey rock method and social withdrawal is the intentionality of its use.” While the grey rock method is done to avoid provocation, “social withdrawal might be the unintentional consequence of someone experiencing abuse,” Zeller explains. In the latter, “they might pull away from friends and loved ones,” unintentionally as the result of abuse.

What’s the difference between grey rocking and stonewalling?

Likewise, the difference between grey rocking and stonewalling is intention, Zeller explains. “While both involve emotional detachment, stonewalling is often an emotional reaction, where we shut down emotionally because we can’t handle the difficult emotions or want to punish the other person by giving them the silent treatment.”

Stonewalling and grey rocking are also very different, as “stonewalling is considered a form of emotional manipulation and punishment,” Zeller adds, which is exactly what you’re trying to avoid by employing the grey rock method.

How to practice the grey rock method

1. Limit your reactions

If this is what you want to do, Dr. Harris suggests avoiding eye contact, saying nothing, and turning away. Or, you can limit your reaction—at least the one you have in front of that person. “Give short and to-the-point responses,” Derhally adds. “Over text messages, that could be a simple emoji or a few-word response…do not get defensive or try to defend yourself—always respond in a flat, calm, emotionless manner.”

2. Make the interaction unappealing

Doing this, Zeller explains, can potentially lead the other person to drop the issue. For example, if the person you’re grey rocking says something meant to provoke you like, “I see you’re still hanging out with your friends every weekend instead of spending time with me. Guess they’re more important,” Zeller suggests saying something like “I had a nice time.” without showing any emotion or defensiveness if you want to try grey rocking. By keeping your reaction unappealing and not giving the other person a chance to dig their claws in, you can increase your odds of minimizing further interaction.

3. Keep your boundaries in place

Even if implementing the grey rock method is tough, the pros remind that it can be worth it. “You get to uphold your boundaries and keep your self-respect by not engaging in the toxicity,” Dr. Harris says. And Derhally adds that it can help facilitate feelings of empowerment: “It keeps you in control of the relationship dynamic,” she says. “When we feel more in control in a power imbalance in any type of relationship with a narcissist, we feel empowered instead of powerless.”

4. Seek help if you can

Another important caveat: keep in mind that it does not (and likely should not) be the only tool in your coping toolbox. While it can be called upon in the moment for a quick fix, working with a therapist or other mental health-care provider is preferable for a longer-term and more sustainable strategy. And if you feel in danger in any way, extricating yourself from the immediate situation and then relationship in general is key.

Dealing with narcissists and emotionally toxic people can be deeply draining but it doesn’t have to be a journey you go on alone. Seek help if you can and know that there are professionals who may be able to help you extricate yourself in a safe way.

And if you’re curious for more information, such as what is conversational narcissism, what is a narcissist smear campaign, how to breakup with a narcissist, how to deal with a victim narcissist, we’ve got you. And on the other end of that: once you’re in a healthier place: there are also resources on green flags in relationships as well — because there can be hope on the other end of dealing with toxic people.

If you or someone you love is in an abusive partnership, they can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-787-3244 for help.