Need Constant Affection? You May Lack Emotional Permanence—8 Signs and Helpful Tips

We all occasionally need to hear that our partner loves us, our friends support us, and we’re worthy of affection. Receiving reassurance that we are cared for is a natural thing to crave, and can be healthy to hear in small doses. That said, one of the most important parts of maintaining a healthy relationship of any kind—including our relationship with ourselves—is to be aware of the fact that comfort, warmth, and love exist around us and for us. Retaining this feeling, even when our loved ones aren’t around, is called emotional permanence.

While it may be difficult to process at first, emotional permanence is an important skill that allows us to feel love and connection, even when it’s not immediately apparent. Developing emotional permanence, however, takes time and effort like all useful skills. If you struggle to remember the bonds you share with others unless they are physically present or actively telling you they care about you, you may be experiencing emotional impermanence. This lack of emotional permanence is completely natural, and you can develop your emotional permanence skills with a little bit of mental health support, research, and practice.

According to experts, incorporating small communication and relationship-building techniques into your everyday life can go a long way. So, if you’re experiencing feelings of low self-worth and high insecurity related to emotional impermanence—or if you know someone who may be—learn how to manage your symptoms with these science-backed suggestions.

What is emotional permanence?

Ella Laniado, LMSW, LSW describes emotional permanence as “the understanding that emotions and feelings persist even when they aren’t immediately present.” According to Laniado, emotional permanence can guide us through life’s tougher moments while trusting that our feelings and connections will remain on the other side.

Several different factors can influence your levels of emotional permanence: Your attachment style, past relationship experiences and traumas, and growth done through therapy can all affect your ability to feel loved and trusted by those around you. Some mental health conditions, like anxiety or OCD, can also make it more difficult to trust people without seeking reassurance. “For my clients dealing with anxiety and OCD, it means understanding that their positive feelings and relationships are stable and enduring, even when they aren’t immediately visible,” says Laniado.

That said, with some dedication and support from mental health professionals, you can develop a higher level of emotional permanence. Laniado encourages her clients to remember their past successes and the love and support they’ve previously received from the people they care about. Even in more challenging moments, it can be useful to remember times when your loved ones were consistently there for you.

What is the feeling of permanence?

The feeling of emotional permanence can vary from person to person, but it primarily involves building up a tolerance for uncertainty and accepting that internal and social supports are in the background, even when it may not feel true. The understanding that love and support are there, even when you can’t truly feel it, can empower you to face the more overwhelming challenges in life with more confidence and trust.

What does it mean to be a permanent person?

Laniado suggests that being a permanent person involves “fostering resilience through trust in the lasting bonds of support and the consistency of self-worth, offering stability in the face of life’s challenges.” In other words, being a permanent person does not mean being void of difficult or negative emotions; rather, it’s feeling the difficult emotions while knowing that you are capable of feeling them and that the connections you’ve made with yourself and others will guide you through this. (So, being a permanent person is essentially equivalent to having average or high levels of emotional permanence.)

What is emotional permanence in ADHD?

“For someone with ADHD,” says Laniado, “emotions can feel intense and immediate and the ability to remember and trust in past positive experiences or relationships during tough moments can be difficult.” For those with ADHD, these negative feelings can last for longer periods and lead to outbursts or meltdowns that make it especially difficult to cool down during arguments and maintain positive relationships. It can be hard to juggle intense emotions when your thoughts and distractions are so overwhelming, but building emotional permanence is possible.

What is emotional constancy?

Emotional constancy is similar to emotional permanence in that it involves feeling anchored in your emotions, even in the face of change. Emotional constancy, however, is a wider umbrella term that encapsulates emotional permanence (trusting that others care about you and maintaining a positive mindset about your relationships), emotional object constancy (feeling loved even when those who love you aren’t around), and object constancy (the ability to separate how you feel about someone from how you view their character. “This steadiness allows you to navigate challenges with resilience and to cherish moments of joy without being overwhelmed by fleeting emotions,” Laniado says.

“This steadiness allows you to navigate challenges with resilience and to cherish moments of joy without being overwhelmed by fleeting emotions.” —Ella Laniado, LMSW, LSW is a licensed therapist and social worker

Signs of emotional permanence

Like all mental health skills we use daily, emotional permanence can be built up over time. A key sign of emotional permanence that Laniado looks out for in clients is understanding that your relationships are secure even when you’re not in touch. If you know that your loved ones care about and support you, even if you don’t talk to them every day, then you likely have strong emotional permanence.

Here are some other signs of emotional permanence to look out for:

1. Reassurance is not a necessity:

Seeking reassurance is natural and can provide a way to temporarily experience relief from anxiety related to your everyday relationships, but it doesn’t provide relief in the long term. In fact, a 2022 study suggests that seeking reassurance more frequently can lead to stronger feelings of anger and guilt. Emotional permanence can look like enjoying when your loved ones have reassuring things to say, but not needing to hear this to feel loved and secure. Even if you haven’t seen a specific friend in a few months and your texts have become fewer and farther between, you know that life happens and the decrease in communication is not a sign that their love for you has also decreased.

2. You feel settled and secure in your relationships:

Security looks different for everyone, but some healthy signs of emotional permanence to look out for include feeling comfortable communicating directly and asking for your needs to be met without fear. So, if that same friend hasn’t reached out to you in three or four months, you aren’t afraid to break the ice with a “Hey, how have you been?” text. If you’re more likely to ruminate on the situation and convince yourself that they’re not texting you because they’re mad at you and don’t want to be your friend anymore, then you’re likely experiencing a lack of emotional permanence.

3. Your emotions don’t frequently fluctuate:

Emotional ups and downs happen to all of us, and feeling the full emotional spectrum from time to time is healthy. But if you feel like your emotions are changing at a rapid pace, it could be useful to speak to a mental health professional. Voicing your worries to a professional may lead to introspective work that will help you become more comfortable and confident in the idea that your loved ones’ devotion to you is not conditional or fleeting.

4. You can regulate your emotions:

Emotional regulation doesn’t come naturally to everyone, and that is completely okay. Learning to manage your emotions is a part of life, and it can not only lead to stronger emotional permanence but also prevent both mental and physical health conditions in the long run. If you feel you lack the ability to control your emotional state, consider trying out some of the expert-recommended tips to manage symptoms of emotional impermanence ahead.

What does it mean to lack emotional permanence?

On the flip side, Laniado describes lacking emotional permanence as a frequent fluctuation in feelings of self-worth and insecurity — which can make building trusting relationships with yourself and others more challenging. Here are some more examples of what this can look and feel like:

1. You don’t trust how others feel when they aren’t there

It’s easier to feel loved by someone when they’re physically there, telling you that it’s true. If it’s harder for you to recognize this when you’re alone, this can lead to doomsday thinking and a lack of trust that bleeds into other areas of your life. If this sounds familiar, you might need some support to rebuild your emotional permanence.

2. You have a strong need for reassurance

Seeking reassurance is a natural impulse for those with anxiety or OCD because it provides temporary relief. While this can feel good in the moment, it, unfortunately, does not typically provide a full sense of emotional security. As many times as someone may tell you they care for you and that you’re an important part of your work, the minute they stop reaffirming what you need to hear, you’ll stop believing that it’s true. This is a strong symptom of emotional impermanence. Additionally, this may create boundary issues between you and the person that you care about, which could create actual riffs in your relationship.

3. Regulating your emotions is a challenge

Emotions are natural, necessary, and healthy to feel. But when your emotions become so overwhelming that they cause frequent distress, it’s time for some outside intervention. Being able to step back, reappraise the situation, and shift your feelings accordingly is a powerful skill to have, but if you’re lacking emotional permanence, you may need some help reframing your thoughts.

4. You lack trust in others

If you’ve experienced a trauma, or if you have anxiety or OCD, you may have a more difficult time than others learning to place trust in other people. On its own, a lack of trust doesn’t mean you have a lack of emotional permanence. It can, however, be a sign of emotional impermanence, especially if you find yourself consistently mistrusting others.

How to strengthen emotional permanence

While it’s completely natural to feel discouraged if you lack emotional permanence, there is hope. With a bit of professional support and self-soothing, you can strengthen your emotional permanence. If you find yourself often seeking reassurance, emotionally fluctuating, or lacking trust in those around you, try these suggestions as a starting point:

1. Seek therapy

Therapists are licensed, trusted professionals who have the knowledge and tools at their disposal to help you learn to regulate your emotions, build trust in yourself and others, and learn healthy behaviors that can replace the need to seek constant reassurance.

2. Discuss your feelings with a loved one

To be clear, you should not treat your loved ones as substitutes for licensed mental health professionals, as doing so increases the risk of harmful emotional dumping that can have a lasting effect on your relationships. That said, communicating directly with your loved ones about how you’re feeling can bring awareness to the situation. Once your loved ones are looped into your emotional needs, chances are they’ll want to help you by listening to your concerns, offering emotional support, and encouraging you to develop intrapersonal coping skills with the help of a professional.

3. Build corrective relationships

If you’ve experienced unhealthy relationships in the past, finding a community that’s consistently loving and supportive can make all the difference. If you truly don’t have friends or family members you can confide in, seek out support groups and other compassion-fueled communities that can help you develop feelings of emotional security and carry them with you into all areas of your daily life.

4. Try journaling

Keeping a gratitude journal to log the different aspects of your life that you are thankful for can help readjust your mindset and approach to the world overall. It may take time, but jotting down that time your friend picked up the tab last time you went to lunch together or making a note of the handwritten birthday card your sister sent you in the mail can help put into perspective the small efforts people in your life are putting in to show they care.

5. Make time for Mindfulness

Finally, meditation and mindfulness breathing aren’t just exercises you should try out at a yoga retreat or before bed for a better night’s sleep. Giving your mind time to process all that you’ve been experiencing and how it affects you is crucial to maintaining your mental and emotional health.

Another important reminder: When it comes to strengthening emotional permanence, self-awareness is half the battle. If you’re seeking out resources and are curious about learning more, you’re already well on your way to growth.

Final thoughts on emotional permanence

So, struggling with a lack of emotional permanence does not mean you’re naturally needy or a bad friend, sibling, or partner. What it likely means is that you’re dealing with unresolved feelings of self-doubt and insecurity that need to be addressed with more than just the occasional “I love you” text or a hug after a quick get-together with friends. Getting to the root of the issue can take time, but your relationships and your peace of mind will be better off for it.