How to Overcome Trust Issues and Build Healthier Relationships, According to Therapists

“It is common for individuals to enter into relationships with trust issues. However, these issues can present challenges when trying to build new relationships,” explains Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, owner and founder of Take Root Therapy in Los Angeles. Trust issues and insecurities are valid in so many situations and it’s normal to have your walls up when you first meet people. At the same time, Harouni Lurie pushes clients to get familiar with the root causes of trust issues and identify them upon first entering a relationship, to better manage their emotions and get closer to more secure partnerships. Additionally, experts say it's crucial to learn how to show up as a trustworthy partner or friend, even if you’re struggling with trust. Mental health experts share more about getting over trust issues in a new relationship or friendship ahead.

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What is the true meaning of trust, and why is it important?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, trust is defined as “a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.” But what does it mean to trust someone? It’s no secret that trust between two people doesn’t just happen overnight. Trust is a fundamental element of a healthy relationship, and can take years to earn and solidify, says Laurie Singer MS, LMFT, founder of Laurie Singer Behavioral Services in California. And it manifests through both people in the relationship or friendship feeling supported and valued, adds Singer.

"When we feel secure, we are more comfortable expressing ourselves authentically. Trust allows us to get close to others and let them get close, too." —Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, owner and founder of Take Root Therapy in Los Angeles

Trust can be synonymous with safety, according to Harouni Lurie. “Trust allows us to share our inner selves and to be intimate with others, as it lets us know that we are safe,” she says. “When we feel secure, we are more comfortable expressing ourselves authentically. Trust allows us to get close to others and let them get close, too.” One key prerequisite for a trusting relationship is interdependence, meaning that both people involved firmly believe they can rely on the other person to show up and care for them, adds Harouni Lurie.

What are signs of trust issues?

If you’ve been through abusive or dysfunctional relationships or family situations, or have been cheated on or betrayed by a partner or friend in the past, it’s likely that trust issues will be an obstacle for you at some point. In fact, 2023 research published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology has shown that attachment styles, which can form over time as a result of the relationships in your life, and the divorce or separation of a parent’s relationship can affect a person’s level of trust. (In some cases, trust issues might even develop into pistanthrophobia, or a fear of trusting people.)

It’s normal to compare new people or situations to harmful people or relationships from your past, and that can make new relationships a challenge, says Harouni. For this reason, it’s important to get familiar with recognizing signs of an untrustworthy person, and to notice signs of your own trust and intimacy issues so you can work on them—once you come in contact with a person who has proven to be trustworthy, of course. Here are some signals of trust issues you should flag.

1. Intimacy makes you uncomfortable.

Trust can play a huge role in physical and emotional intimacy. “It's not just about sex or romantic closeness; even simple acts of affection like hugging, holding hands, or sitting close can feel overwhelming in some instances for people with trust issues,” Harouni Lurie says. Physical care or emotional closeness can also trigger trust and intimacy issues as much as sexual intimacy can, she adds.

2. You have a hard time opening up to people.

Having difficulty with vulnerability can be another sign of trust issues, according to Harouni Lurie. “Opening yourself up emotionally to another person can seem daunting and even unsafe,” she says (and sometimes, this is true, if a person is not trustworthy). However, a lack of vulnerability can stall a relationship’s growth. If you are constantly shying away from talking about your feelings or needs, or from having deep conversations, you can miss opportunities to deepen a relationship with someone.

3. Commitment can be triggering to you.

“Fear of commitment can stem from struggles with vulnerability and can show up as another common sign of trust issues,” says Harouni Lurie. “For someone with a fear of commitment, they may worry that committing to someone means losing their independence or setting themselves up for disappointment if things don't work out.” This fear of commitment may become a pattern, in which you avoid making long-term plans with a partner or evade investing in the future of a relationship (avoidant attachment, anyone?). Your relationships may end up staying at surface level as a result, says Harouni Lurie. For people with an anxious attachment style, it may be the opposite. You may be hesitant to trust a potential partner until they have committed fully, according to Harouni Lurie, and this can be a barrier to physical or emotional intimacy.

4. You’re either overly self-reliant or overly dependent on a partner.

“People with trust issues might feel compelled to do everything themselves, finding it hard to ask for help or forgive others when they make mistakes,” Harouni Lurie says. “Sometimes, this self-reliance is paired with a pessimistic view of life, where they expect others to disappoint them and keep people at a distance.” (Again, this is characteristic of avoidant attachment style.) Your trust issues may cause you to swing more toward codependency in your relationships, adds Harouni Lurie. That can look like overly reliant behavior on a partner to prove that you “need them,” which may even happen subconsciously. Other people with trust issues and insecurities may encourage a codependent dynamic by feeling the need to control or closely monitor their partner, Harouni Lurie says.

5. You’re engaging in jealous or possessive behavior.

There’s documented research stating that people who have more of an anxious attachment style may exhibit cognitive and behavioral jealousy when they’re feeling a lower level of trust in a partnership. This is not to say that all people who have difficulty trusting others perpetuate abusive relationships, but controlling behavior as a result of anxiety around trust can toe the line toward abuse. You should familiarize yourself with red flags of possessiveness and jealousy, according to Singer. For example, are you getting jealous if you make other plans with a friend? Or, are you exhibiting possessiveness, and feel the need to know who your significant other is calling or texting all the time? A 2020 study² showed that snooping through a partner’s phone can be a trademark sign of both a lack of trust in the relationship and even emotional instability in the partnership.

6. You’re always looking for things wrong with a possible partner or friend.

Trust issues may not look like overt possessiveness. They may look more like being on high alert that something in the relationship is going to go wrong, or writing people off for minor infractions, says Harouni Lurie. “We can develop these behaviors over time as protective measures to avoid feeling the same pain from the past,” she adds. It may not even be a conscious effort to push people away.

How do trust issues develop?

As previously stated, trust issues can go back to betrayal or lack of safety or care during childhood, and can develop into an anxious or avoidant attachment style in some cases. There’s no one singular way that trust erodes in all relationships, explains Harouni Lurie, but a few triggers of trust issues might be betrayal, lying, and deception by someone you had faith or trust in. “In romantic relationships, this is most frequently caused by infidelity, but broken trust can also originate from less overt betrayals like misunderstandings around inconsistent behavior or lack of communication,” says Harouni Lurie.

And past relationships and experiences almost always affect future relationships. That’s why it’s difficult to “get over trust issues” overnight, no matter how quickly the trust issues began. It’s a process to understand where your trust issues might arise from, and how to work through them.

Do trust issues come from anxiety?

Trust issues can stem from anxiety around past experiences like abandonment, especially in childhood, and this can inhibit healthy relationship development, explains Singer. This can lead to constant anxiety about a friend or romantic partner breaking their trust or leaving them, she adds. It could also lead to an overdependence on a partner or an over-vigilance around their actions, to the point where it’s harming the relationship. Singer recommends interrogating where the anxiety and trust issues come from. “Is it really about the specific friend or romantic partner, or is it almost a self-fulfilling prophecy?” Singer says. Determining the root of the anxiety around trusting others is important in taking the steps to move toward healthier attachments and relationships that have more trust.

Is it normal to have trust issues in a new relationship?

Authentic trust is not automatic, so yes, it’s completely normal to take time to build trust with a new partner or friend, says Harouni Lurie. “You don't yet know if they're someone you can rely on or if they will do something to hurt you,” she adds. So, in general, it's best to get to know someone true character before giving them your trust.

"Discussing and respecting boundaries is pivotal for creating a sense of safety and security for everyone involved." —Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, owner and founder of Take Root Therapy in Los Angeles

For some people who have more of a history of abuse or betrayal from past relationships or experiences with family and friends, the trust issues might feel heavier and might make you even more cautious around new people. It might even feel unsafe for people with this history to trust someone at various points in a new relationship. That’s not abnormal, but may mean that you need more help working through your anxieties around trust. Working with a therapist or other mental health professional can be beneficial here.

Can a relationship last with trust issues?

Trust in a relationship is about balance. Too much trust doesn’t necessarily work in a relationship. “On one hand you could say a person who is too trustworthy at the start of the relationship might have boundary issues,” says Singer. “They’re pushing too hard to have immediate trust and openness.” For example, someone who overshares personal information or traumas on a first date might not have the right amount of boundaries to build trust.

However, trust issues that cause a person to be anxious about building personal relationships (such as those that provoke people to want to know where their partner or friend is every minute of the day and keep close digital tabs on that person) can hinder a relationship from developing further, according to Singer. People may develop or lean on their trust issues as a coping mechanism to preemptively avoid getting hurt, Singer says. But this can drive distance between people and can lead to the dissolution of a relationship. For a relationship with trust issues to last, both parties need to commit to working on their mutual trust.

How to make a person with trust issues trust you

Whether someone has gone through being cheated on or has trust issues with a partner because of childhood trauma or a similar experience, building trust also involves empathy and patience on the partner’s part. If you’re that person who’s in a relationship or close friendship with someone who has trust issues, here’s how you can work through them together.

1. Emphasize that the person’s feelings are valid.

The first element of supporting a partner or friend with trust issues is building a foundation of empathy and sensitivity. That involves listening to the person explain why they may have difficulty trusting, and validating that person’s feelings, without judgment or impatience, says Harouni Lurie.

This includes patience with the person even when you are not the person who has done anything wrong and are not responsible for any breach of trust in the relationship, adds Harouni Lurie. The most important thing to remember is that the trust issues often stem from something in their past, or their fears or insecurities, she says. They may not have anything to do with you, so the best thing you can do is be patient and stay away from defensive behavior as much as you can. “Continue to approach them with curiosity and reassure them of your intentions,” Harouni Lurie says.

2. Establish open lines of communication, especially around boundaries.

Open and honest communication is foundational to breaking down the barriers of trust issues in a relationship. You can support the person who has trust issues by actively listening and making sure they know they are being heard, suggests Harouni Lurie.

It may also be helpful for the person with trust issues to express their boundaries openly. “Discussing and respecting boundaries is pivotal for creating a sense of safety and security for everyone involved,” Harouni Lurie says. Showing that you can respect the person’s boundaries by first asking about them, and then adhering to them, can help the person with trust issues feel more secure in the partnership. “This approach demonstrates respect for their needs and fosters a sense of safety and trust,” adds Harouni Lurie.

3. Use “I” statements to let the person know how their distrust affects you.

It’s completely okay to let your partner or friend know that their sense of distrust is affecting you (without totally centering yourself in the conversation and while holding enough space for the other person to share their needs and boundaries). It could be that you’re feeling distant from the person and lacking intimacy in the relationship because you have the sense that they don’t trust you—it’s valid to express that, without throwing the blame on the other person.

Practice using “I” statements that zero in on that person’s behavior to effectively communicate with the person who’s having difficulty trusting you to let them know how you’re feeling, advises Singer. This can be especially applicable when a person’s trust issues are causing them to exhibit detrimental or controlling behaviors. “For example, you can say, ‘When you insist I call you every two hours, I feel as if you do not trust me,’” suggests Singer. Focusing on the singular behavior and how that makes you feel can keep the conversation open and prevent the other person from getting defensive and shutting down communication. And sometimes, people genuinely need help or reminders to recognize how their behaviors have an impact on others, adds Singer.

4. Show up.

You can support someone with trust issues by proving you’re trustworthy via your actions. That means being reliable and consistent with your behaviors, keeping your promises and showing up when you say you will, and not canceling plans at the last minute or flaking out on the person by not communicating with them for long periods, says Harouni Lurie. Some people feel most secure when someone’s actions match their words, she adds. Trust can often build over time if the person can see that you follow through.

How can I get rid of trust issues?

If you’re someone working through trust issues, overcoming these feelings will require a lot of work. It also requires time to rebuild trust, so be gentle with yourself as you decipher why you’re having trouble trusting people and how to remedy that.

1. Be honest with yourself and ask why this behavior is going on.

You have to first acknowledge that you’re having difficulty trusting others before you can do anything about it. “If that's the case, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or that you can't be in intimate relationships in the future,” Harouni Lurie assures. “Approach yourself with curiosity and compassion, and consider why you have difficulty trusting others.”

You can also look toward the future by asking what boundaries you’d need to feel safe enough to develop trust in a new relationship, suggests Harouni Lurie. “Learning to trust people and determining who is safe and worthy of your trust is a process,” she adds. Just because you’ve struggled with trust issues doesn’t mean they will always be present or that you can’t work through a relationship that started with difficulty trusting the other person.

2. Learn to trust your gut about who is trustworthy and who isn’t.

In noticing and acknowledging the roots of your trust issues, and setting boundaries that you want people to uphold moving forward, you can also hone your skills for distinguishing people who are safe and trustworthy compared to people who are not, says Harouni Lurie. You may need to engage in work with a therapist or mental health professional to work on that, which is normal and may be helpful if it is accessible to you. Therapy and other mental health work can also support you in initiating difficult or deep-dive conversations that can assist you in building trust and saving a relationship, Harouni Lurie adds.

3. Try to catch yourself when you are being overly distrustful.

Once you get to know and better understand the causes of your trust issues (especially in past experiences or relationships), you’ll be able to pinpoint what triggers feelings of anxiety and distrust. Let’s say you’ve been cheated on in the past by a partner who got back together with an ex. Your partner bumping into an ex or reconnecting with an old friend on social media could trigger this anxiety and lack of trust, even a sense of possessiveness. But ultimately, it will help you build trust with people if you can identify those triggering moments where you might be distrustful without a true reason to be, Singer says. You can attribute that feeling of distrust to what you went through in the past and can move forward and let the anxious thoughts fall away.

Do you need therapy for trust issues?

Trust issues are not insurmountable. Sometimes you may need a boost to dig into your past and decipher the root cause of some of your trust issues, and a therapist or mental health professional can help you do that so you feel more secure in future relationships, says Harouni Lurie. “You can work on better understanding why trust is so difficult for you and process the experiences that have made it hard to trust,” she says.

If you’re the person supporting a partner or friend with trust issues, you may not be able to do so on your own. “There are limitations to what you can do: Trust issues, especially those stemming from past trauma or deep-seated fears, often require professional help,” says Harouni Lurie. It’s a good idea to encourage your partner or friends to think about trying therapy or counseling so that they have a sounding board for their fears and anxieties, she adds. If you’re part of a couple, you can even offer to attend a session together to work through issues that are specifically affecting the relationship.

Final thoughts on how to get over trust issues

Remember that trust issues, and the rifts they can cause, are not your fault and can stem from trauma and anxiety. “There isn't an intentional desire to push others away, often,” assures Harouni Lurie. “Having compassion for yourself if you are experiencing trust issues is an important part of responding to challenges with trust.” Open communication with the person who you are hoping to trust, and considering mental health treatment for an added boost with that process, might be your next steps in working through trust issues.