When you consider the many benefits of orgasm (not to mention how pleasurable they can be), it makes sense that so many people would want to know how to orgasm. For vulva-havers in particular though, the truth is that climaxing and orgasm isn’t as 1, 2, 3 and done as it looks in movies and TV. If you can’t orgasm, “Don’t freak out,” says sex therapist Madeline Lucas, LCSW. “Research shows many, many women have difficulty with orgasm, for many reasons,” she adds. But you’re in good hands: Lucas and a handful of other experts shared their best tips for how to orgasm.

“Research shows many, many women have difficulty with orgasm, for many reasons.” —Madeline Lucas, LCSW, sex therapist

While many tips about how to orgasm focus on the physical machinations of pleasure (vibrators, lube, stroking techniques), it’s also important to hone in on the mental aspect of how to orgasm. As you’ll see, mindfulness, managing stress, and also (ironically) letting go of the pressure to orgasm (and pressure you put on yourself), may all make it easier for you to feel as much pleasure as possible. The mind-body connection is real, y’all!

We spoke to the experts for all their tips on how to orgasm, including how to know that you’ve had an orgasm, what to do if you can’t orgasm, how to achieve stronger orgasms, and tips for how to orgasm.

How do you know if you’ve had an orgasm?

When you’re in the depths of struggling to have an orgasm, it can get confusing and fuzzy to the point where you’re overthinking things like, “wait, was that an orgasm” or even “what is an orgasm”? The good news is that “orgasms are not one-size-fits-all, and look and feel different for everyone (even from orgasm to orgasm!)” Lucas says. However, there are some common signs, she adds, like increased heart rate and breathing, flushed skin, heightened tension followed by release, or feeling sleepy, relaxed, or happy.

For penis havers, orgasm is usually accompanied by ejaculation, or release of fluid from the penis, says sex educator Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Fleshy. For those with vulvas: they can usually “feel the muscle contractions associated with orgasm if they put a finger inside of their vagina.

“An orgasm is a buildup of pleasure leading to a series of pelvic muscle contractions and a release of sexual tension,” Weiss adds. A telltale sign of orgasm might also be that “the pleasure becomes too intense for you to take anymore, and then that feeling goes away and you feel relaxed.” Weiss also explains that “after orgasm, you will usually feel satisfied and ‘done.’ And while “you may be capable of continuing and having another orgasm, you probably won’t have the same sense of urgency.”

What to do if you can’t orgasm

1. Know there’s nothing wrong with you

As Lucas said above, research shows that many women struggle with orgasm for a variety of reasons. Difficulty orgasming “does not mean you’re broken or doomed,” she explains. What’s important is to keep in mind that difficulty orgasming doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, but that “it means there’s some fun learning (or unlearning) for you to do,” Lucas says. Consider this your permission to have some fun.

2. Have an open mind

“Get curious about how your body responds to different sensations, what emotions get kicked up in different areas, and how you can return your focus to the present moment when needed,” Lucas says. Doing so can help “cue you up to be able to experience great pleasure along the way to orgasm (or not).” she adds.

3. Take the pressure off yourself

More on this below, but for starters, remember that while orgasms are great, “they are not the only measure of a successful sexual experience,” Lucas says. “Less pressure equals more relaxed openness for the possible orgasms to come,” she adds.

4. Focus on masturbation

It may be helpful to first figure out what makes you orgasm on your own through toys like vibrators, that make orgasm easier and more efficient, says Weiss. If you don’t have any toys at the ready, you can also always use your own hands. Weiss says trying different strokes such as rubbing your clitoris side to side vs. in circles, may be a good place to start and experiment.

You can also bring a partner into the mix at some point, by masturbating in front of them so they can see exactly what works, or “put[ting] your hand over theirs while they touch you, [so] you can move it in the way you like,” she adds.

How to achieve orgasm more easily

1. Make sure you’re aroused first — and take your time doing so

It might sound counterintuitive to take a step back and slow down to orgasm faster, but stay with us here. “Orgasm flows more easily when you are highly aroused to begin with, so take your time getting in the mood for sex,” Weiss says. For those who aren’t in a rush, slow down and try things like taking a bath with your partner, or giving each other massages to relax and wind down after the work day, as Weiss recommends.

“Spend time kissing and caressing each other, paying attention to non-genital erogenous zones such as the nipples,” Weiss says. Once you’ve sufficiently teased each other and are “fully ready for genital touch, your mind will be quieter and your body will be more responsive,” she adds.

2. Know that practice makes perfect

“Orgasms beget orgasms,” Lucas explains, adding that “while, [she] understands how orgasm can feel like the goal, remember as Emily Nagoski says, ‘pleasure is the measure.’” Lucas recommends incorporating self-touch exercises into your weekly routine, as this can help your connection with your body, help you learn what feels good, and overall just feel good and enhance pleasure.

3. Relax

“Stress around orgasm will only kick up a fight or flight response in our system,” Lucas explains, which not only isn’t sexy, it’ll make it that much harder for you to orgasm. Instead, she says to “incorporate relaxation and grounding exercises into your pleasure routines.” By calming your nervous system, you can stay present and receptive in the moment, and therefore increase your chances of feeling more pleasure.

Techniques to improve orgasm intensity

1. Do some kegels

Weiss says that doing kegel exercises, or exercises where you squeeze and release your pelvic muscles can tone the muscles involved in orgasm so that your orgasms become stronger. While kegels are often associated with stronger orgasms for women, Weiss notes that this is also true for men.

2. Concentrate on breathing

“Even out of the bedroom, practicing deep breathing into your belly (as opposed to just your chest) can help strengthen your pelvic floor, which increases contractions during orgasm,” says Lucas.

3. Use toys and lube

Lucas also suggests using a vibrator and lube for more intense orgasms. Not only can vibrators and lube make sex more pleasurable, they can also help you experiment with different forms of stimulation and pleasure: toys these days can do everything from vibrating, to thrusting, to sucking, and you owe it to yourself, as she suggests, to feel all different sorts of sensation and stimulation in the exploration of pleasure. For those who need clit stimulation to orgasm, toys like a vibrator may also make a huge difference in your ability to orgasm.

25 Tips for how to orgasm, according to sex experts

1. Set the scene with ambiance

“Dim the lights, get a sexy playlist on, light some candles,” Lucas recommends. Since sex is both psychological and physical, ensuring that you’re mentally as turned on as possible may help you feel more relaxed and aroused. “Allow yourself to relax into the erotic scene in front of you,” she adds.

2. Don’t stress about orgasming

Orgasming is great and all, but don’t let the pressure of orgasming let you get too in-your-own-head. “Ever had the ‘tip of the tongue’ experience where you’re trying to think of something, but the more you try, the further it gets from you? Pressure to orgasm can be the same thing,” Lucas explains. Instead, she suggests prioritizing pleasure (not outcome), which, ironically, might help improve the odds of orgasm.

3. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, so to speak

Considering how most women don’t orgasm from penetration alone, Lucas adds that it may be helpful to utilize “multiple stimulation,” AKA different sensations, temperatures, and pressures across your entire body. “Expand your attention and focus to encompass not only your vulva region, but anywhere your body is experiencing touch and sensations.” she says.

4. Have a sexy mantra at the ready

“If you notice negative self-talk or self-limiting beliefs coming in (about your body, worthiness, ability to feel pleasure, etc) replace those thoughts with a sexy mantra,” Lucas suggests. You can try a mantra like “I deserve pleasure. Pleasure is my birthright. I’m present and receiving. I value my body and what it can do.” or any combination of those suggestions from Lucas.

Repeating your pleasure mantra can help ground you and step out of a negative thought cycle. Not to mention, having a sexy mantra can also help you stay focused on your own pleasure, says Weiss.

5. Explore fantasies

“Some people have trouble orgasming with a partner because their minds are not focused on erotic thoughts,” Weiss says. This makes sense: If you’re focused on the pressure of orgasming, how your partner is enjoying themselves, how you look, or how your partner is looking at you, your mind will naturally drift away from “the pleasure and arousal necessary to orgasm,” Weiss says. A good way to combat this is to use fantasies, Weiss says.

A good place to start may be fantasies that you think of during masturbation, since, as Weiss says, “your body is likely used to responding to these.” Weiss says “you can keep these private in your own mind, or share them with your partner and perhaps even incorporate them into role-playing or dirty talk,” she adds.

6. Focus on your partner if it helps your own pleasure

For some, Weiss says that “paradoxically, focusing on a partner’s pleasure can help [themselves] feel more pleasure.” If you’re the type who enjoys giving more than receiving, focusing on your partner’s arousal might help you get more aroused yourself. Weiss notes that for these people, it might be a good idea to touch themselves or use a toy on themselves while going down on a partner, or otherwise pleasing their partner first before their partner pleases them.

7. Get handsy with yourself

“Don’t be afraid to touch yourself when you’re with a partner,” Weiss says, adding that “you know your body best, so sometimes the easiest way to get yourself over the edge is to use your own hands, either by themselves or with a toy.”

For those with a clitoris, Weiss says you can focus on manually stimulating it during intercourse, or while a partner is internally fingering you. Another option Weiss recommends is to hold a toy on your clitoris while asking a partner to stroke your G-spot with their fingers or with another toy. The latter option can be extra fun for a partner, as “they can feel your orgasmic contractions this way — and know they played a role in your orgasm,” Weiss explains.

8. Get well-acquainted with your body ahead of time

Make like a body cartographer and map out your body, says holistic psychologist and pleasure expert Rachel Allyn, PhD. Some suggestions: Rub your clitoris clockwise and then counterclockwise, diagonally, and then side-to-side. Pinch and pull your nipples, and play with your breasts. Try finding your G-spot with your hand. The possibilities are endless.

The reason knowing your own anatomy is so important is because “anatomical differences can explain why some women have an easier or harder time experiencing different types of orgasms,” Dr. Allyn explains. Even the distance between the clitoris and the urinary opening¹ can determine where you’ll feel the magic and where you just won’t feel, well, much of anything at all. “The shorter the distance between the two, the more likely a [vulva-owner] is able to have vaginal types of orgasms—like G-spot and cervical—in addition to clitoral,” she adds.

9. Find a vibrator you love, and put it to good use

To help you along the path toward self-exploration, you might enlist a tool that, unlike another person, is not operating with a time or energy limit. “Vibrators are simply able to move at constant speed and intensity in a way that a hand or finger is not,” says sexologist Jill McDevitt, PhD, who recommends a toy like the The Miracle Massager as a great first vibrator.

In particular, Dr. McDevitt also suggests using a toy to experiment with edging, aka prolonging an orgasm. Edging entails “building yourself up to orgasm, but backing off before the actual orgasm,” she says. Not only can this lead to longer, stronger orgasms when you do let them happen, but it also “teaches you to focus on the hot sensation of the buildup, and allows you to be okay with the ‘goal’ being prolonged.”

10. Communicate with a partner

Now that you know good and well what you like, don’t force any sexual partner to guess. If you have a romantic partner, start the convo about what you like when you’re outside the bedroom, well before you’ve started engaging in the act, and begin to sprinkle in additional details. “Most partners find enormous pleasure in the pleasure of their partner, and they willingly and readily accept this guidance,” says Dr. Richmond.

Not to mention, open communication may lead your partner to share what they like in bed, too. (Goodbye, guessing games; hello, mutual satisfaction.) You can also keep the conversation going once the sex acts get going by experimenting with how to talk dirty.

11. Do something intimate before sex

“Having an intimate moment before sex can help you feel turned on more easily,” says sexologist Rebecca Alvarez Story, founder of the intimacy marketplace Bloomi: “For example, having a glass of wine together, taking a bath together, or reading erotica to each other can help you feel more aroused from the start, making you more likely to orgasm faster, too.” Basically, anything that helps you shift your mindset into being consciously intimate with your partner prior to physical intimacy.

12. Get focused on the clitoris

For most vulva-owners, the easiest type of orgasm to reach is the external clitoral one, says human sexuality professor Zhana Vrangalova, PhD. “The external clitoris is the part of the body that contains the greatest density of nerve endings that, when stimulated, can lead to pleasure,” she says. To really zoom in on the clitoris, try incorporating a targeting sex toy into your sex play, like Maude Vibe, or even a suction toy like the Unbound Puff, which is specifically optimized for clitoral stimulation.

“You could always give yourself or ask your partner to give you a quick clitoral orgasm at the start of sex or during foreplay,” says Story. “Multiple orgasms are a lot easier for people with vulvas than they are for people with penises, so don’t assume you just need one big one with penetrative sex,” she says.

13. Teach a partner how to do the Kivin Method for climax

Amping up the oral part of any sexual experience can also help you learn how to orgasm faster. And one surefire way to do that is to incorporate the Kivin Method. Though it’s deceptively simple—it’s all about flipping things on their side—it packs a big punch for the unique way it can stimulate the clitoris.

“Instead of being licked up and down, which would miss out on stimulating the crura and bulbs (the arms and legs of the clitoris), licking occurs lengthways with the Kivin Method, meaning that stimulation is spread over a larger surface area,” sex and relationship therapist Annabelle Knight previously told Well+Good.

14. Focus on multiple erogenous zones at once

“Many women enjoy heightened pleasure when their partner can do two things at once—kiss sensually and touch her clitoris, or stimulate her breasts orally and use a hand inside of her,” says Story. Basically, for some people, more really is more.

If a partner can successfully multitask, you’re not only more likely to orgasm faster, but you may also be able to mix up your sex life with the exquisite blended orgasm. Just like it sounds, a blended orgasm simply means you’re having not one but two or more orgasms simultaneously at different erogenous zones.

15. Invest in a good arousal oil

“A good arousal oil can help to increase circulation, promote vaginal wetness, and overall help you orgasm faster and stronger,” says Story. Try something like Bloomi Arousal Oil, which is a clean botanical mixture that can help you climb up to your climax way quicker when you use it before or during outerplay.

16. Practice mindfulness in the moment

Tuning into all the things you might feel while you’re having sex has the effect of shifting your brain’s attention to physical sensations, and in turn, cranking up their intensity. As noted above, that’s because the brain is deeply involved in the experience of sex and pleasure, with stimulation actually activating particular brain regions. (In fact, many a spontaneous or accidental orgasm can occur due to certain types of mental arousal.)

According to Dr. McDevitt, there’s no wrong way to practice mindfulness in order to reap bedroom benefits: free meditation apps, mindful workouts, and tantric masturbation are all great options, as is slowing down to take a few deep breaths in the heat of the moment.

Weiss also agrees that mindfulness can help with orgasm. “Focus on the sensations that you are feeling,” Weiss says. When you’re having partnered sex or masturbating, “Ask yourself what exactly you are feeling and where you are feeling,” she adds, since doing so can “help bring your mind back to the sensations.”

17. Try a grounding exercise

In the same vein as practicing mindfulness, if you’re ever in the midst of a sexual act and suddenly lose momentum toward orgasm, a simple reset can help. Dr. Richmond says to stop (and ask any partner to do so, too), then sit or lie with your eyes open in a comfortable position. Take five full inhales and exhales, then name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. (Note: These don’t have to be sex-related things, but they certainly can be.)

“This will help bring you back to the moment and interrupt any thoughts you’re having about how long it’s taken you to orgasm in the past, or anxious feelings you’re having about how long it might take you now,” says Dr. Richmond.

18. Meet with a sex therapist or coach

“There are people who are well-trained to help with orgasm,” says Dr. McDevitt. So, if you’re continuing to feel self-conscious about any aspect of your ability to orgasm, or it’s affecting your relationship with yourself or your partner, why not invest in a qualified sex coach or sex therapist? Also, contrary to popular opinion, you don’t have to have a partner to get help from a sex therapist, either; single people can seek their guidance, too.

19. Clear your mind during sex so you can focus on pleasure

One of the keys on the road to a faster orgasm is a sound mind, meaning one that’s focused on the pleasurable task at hand during sex—aka orgasming. According to sexologist Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT, you’ll be on your way to orgasm if you “clear out feelings and frustrations that have nothing to do with sex” before getting busy.

Whether the sex you’re having is solo or partnered, being present during sex (for example by banishing nervous thoughts) will help you focus on having a good time. Be sure to also keep your partner clued into how you’re feeling so lingering feelings don’t become resentments that can impede your intimate moments.

20. Get your ears involved with audio erotica

At its core, sex is a sensory experience, and playing up your sense of sound by way of audio erotica can be a key piece in amping up—and speeding up—your pleasure. “Watch or listen to something that makes you feel super sexy and expressive, like that one song you always listen to while getting ready for a date or pumped up for a job interview, or a porn or erotica clip that makes you feel things in your body without having to think about it,” says sex educator Anne Hodder-Shipp.

21. Do some erotic breathwork

You may know about the benefits of breathwork for stress reduction and mindfulness, but the technique can also be helpful in the bedroom when you’re trying to achieve orgasm. According to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, sexpert for sexual-wellness retailer Lovers, “forcing your body to slow down your breath helps to relax those orgasmic muscles and can help not only with orgasming fast, but also having deep, strong, and euphoric orgasms.”

22. Give yourself a time limit

Perhaps paradoxically, a time crunch can be thrilling for some, says Rowntree. She actually recommends “scheduling a quickie” to get sparks flying faster, whether you’re setting aside a short window for solo play or looping in a partner.

The time crunch can be hot for the same reason that sneaky sex is—it feels forbidden and like you need to move quickly (or else). “You could even go for a romp in the back of a car, or sneak somewhere ever-so-slightly ‘forbidden’ if you find that the risk of ‘getting caught’ arouses you,” Rowntree says.

23. Try syntribation

Another way to orgasm more quickly? Rubbing and squeezing your thighs together to create friction and tension, AKA syntribation. The heat you generate between your legs can create a pleasurable feeling that you can also intensify by contracting your pelvic floor muscles.

“The thigh grinding and squeezing can stimulate the internal and external parts of the clitoris,” certified sex therapist Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, founder of therapy group Modern Intimacy, previously told Well+Good. You don’t need to do much to try this out, either: Simply cross your legs and start rubbing.

24. Ask your partner for a yoni massage

Sexpert and relationship educator, Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD (who goes by Dr. Tara) recommends trying a yoni massage. This type of tantric massage focuses on erogenous zones like the vulva, labia, clitoris, breasts, and anus. Dr. Tara explains that a yoni massage can help improve blood flow to your vulva, making it easier for you to orgasm more quickly. “Ask a partner to warm up the hands and massage every part of the vulva with different motions like circling, tugging, rolling, and cupping,” she advises.

25. Give body sensation exercises a try

Need help getting in the mood? Dr. Tara thinks a body sensation exercise could do the trick. “Priming your body for pleasure is key to orgasming faster during partnered sex.” You can do this by doing a quick five-minute body scan to get a better sense of how your body is feeling. Take inventory of everything you’re noticing: how fast you’re breathing, what your heartbeat sounds like, and where you’re feeling pleasure. Combining this meditation with breathing and massaging of the erogenous zones can help get you aroused and ready for a satisfying orgasm.