Should Your Romantic Partner Also Be Your Best Friend? Why and Why Not, According to Experts

You’re at dinner with a group of friends, drinking wine and dishing about your love lives. “He’s my best friend,” one friend says, referring to their partner. maybe you feel slightly annoyed at your friend’s revelation and you can’t help but think it’s cringey of them to call their partner their best friend. Or, maybe all at once, a wave of relationship doubt comes crashing down on you: Should your partner be your best friend? After meeting each other’s families, going on multiple trips together, and even moving in together, you’re still not sure if you would consider your partner your best friend. Is that a beige flag? Is there something wrong with your relationship if your partner isn’t your best friend?

If your mind may race with questions like these over the concept of whether your partner should be your best friend, too, that’s understandable. Rather than falling into a thought spiral about the state of your relationship, though, this is the perfect time to focus on your partner and your relationship. Would your partner call you their best friend?  Does it matter to you whether you and your partner are best friends? Are you and your SO friends at all? “I believe at the very least, your partner should be your friend,” says Leanna Stockard, LMFT, a therapist with LifeStance Health. After all, if you’re not friends with your partner, it can be difficult—or even impossible—to conduct healthy conversations about the relationship and to grow as a couple.

At the same time, if you call your partner your best friend, other friends who consider you their best friend might become offended or upset, which can lead to friendship insecurity. The question of whether your partner should be your best friend is a complicated one. Ahead, see what relationship experts have to say about whether your partner is meant to be your best friend and how to tell if the love of your life is also BFF material.

Should your partner be your best friend?

Granting your partner best friend status definitely has its pros. You’ll encounter many situations together in which you may want to be with someone who has best-friend energy. “If I become ill and incapacitated, and I am at my worst, I would want my best friend with me,” says Carole Cox, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Thriveworks in Cary, North Carolina who specializes in relationships and couples counseling. “If my financial situation changes, if I am no longer independent, I would want my best friend with me. I would want this person to be my best friend [so I can] lean on them for support and unconditional love.” If they don’t step up to the plate with support and unconditional love, they probably aren’t best friend material after all.

It’s natural for how you feel to fluctuate on whether your partner is your best friend, too. “There will be ‘seasons’ in life when you feel that your partner or spouse needs to be your best friend, your confidant, your ‘soulmate,’” Cox adds, “and you both must navigate conflict, make decisions, and handle losses.” At other times, you may feel a slight distance in your relationship and need to rely on other friends who have a slightly different perception of you. The main concern, though, as Stockard mentioned earlier, is should your partner be your best friend? Are they someone you trust? Can you communicate effectively with them? Do they have your best interests at heart? Do you enjoy spending time together and feel confident you can rely on them through all the ups and downs?

These aren’t questions you can answer in your mind as you wait in line for your morning coffee order. It will take multiple periods of reflection to come to an official conclusion about whether your partner is truly your best friend. However, before you do all that contemplation, is it even healthy for your partner to be your best friend?

Is it healthy for your partner to be your best friend?

When your partner is demonstrating behavior that a best friend would, you’ve likely spotted some relationship green flags. Stockard says these green flags might look like simply enjoying each other’s company or trusting each other with secrets. “It is healthy for us to have that form of openness, honesty, and transparency with our partner, and it is healthy to enjoy spending quality time together and being able to connect on multiple levels,” Stockard says.

At the same time, several signs suggest that having your partner as your best friend can indicate you’re approaching unhealthy relationship territory. “It can be unhealthy for your partner to want to spend all their time with you, when they do not have any outside interests or hobbies and [are] codependent on you to be there for all of their needs,” Cox says, referring to this as smothering. After all, friend dates and platonic committed relationships are also valuable (even if we don’t get that message as often from romance reality shows). We need non-romantic relationships in our lives to balance us and ensure that everyone involved in these relationships is having their needs met without overextending themselves.

“This form of dependency on one another, and characterizing it as a best friendship, is extremely unhealthy.” —Leanna Stockard, LMFT

Stockard agrees that feeling like you can’t do anything without that partner or that you need their approval before making a decision is a red flag. “This form of dependency on one another, and characterizing it as a best friendship, is extremely unhealthy,” she says. “This is especially the case if it is only one partner that feels this sense of dependence because the one-sided dependency could also be due to a toxic and/or abusive relationship.” When that’s the case, it’s vital to take a closer look at the dynamics of the relationship. Red flags include controlling behavior and extreme criticism. “It can also be a red flag if one person in the relationship wants to control all of your activities, who you spend time with, and becomes critical and judgmental of your friends and family (unnecessarily so),” says Cox. More signs of relationship abuse include gaslighting, intentional cruelness, constantly blaming you, and making you doubt yourself. If you think you or a loved one are experiencing this, you’re not alone. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), texting START to 88788, or using the chat function on the website.

How to tell if your partner is your best friend

Friendships and romantic relationships share several commonalities, so if you’re not sure how to tell if your partner is your best friend, you’re not alone. This is especially true of queer friendships, which don’t necessarily include queer people, but are “queer” in the sense that they are non-normative. In this case, intimacy can be platonic. Additionally, both friendships and romantic relationships entail the dreaded “DTR” (or define the relationship) talk. What one person considers a “close” friendship may differ from someone else’s view.

Outgrowing friendships can happen, too, so it’s important to check in with the people in your life and see where their head is at in terms of your friendship status. With your romantic partner(s) specifically, you may still be wondering, “What is the difference between friendship and romance?” Ahead, therapists share key signs that your partner might also be your best friend. (Cox clarifies, “I am looking at this from the perspective of what makes a partnership/marriage endure over the passage of time and challenges in life.”)

You want to spend a lot of time together

It’s important to have “me time,” connect with friends and family, and do more than just spend time with your partner. It’s also understandable that you may want to hang with your partner most. In fact, Stockard says if “you enjoy spending time with them and want to spend as much time with them as possible,” your partner is probably also in the “best friend” category. You might spend whole days together, share meals, watch TV, nap, or hike, and you look forward to that time and enjoy it as it’s happening. With people who are just friends, Stockard clarifies, there is more of a sense of separation; for example, you might do just the hike and/or a quick coffee trip then be eager to get home and spend some time with your cat or roommate.

You see value in spending time apart, too

While “best-friend partners” want to spend lots of time together, they also support the other’s interests, relationships, and hobbies. “They feel that this deepens the relationship and gives you more to talk about,” Cox says. “They also acknowledge the value in nurturing your collective and individual support systems outside the [relationship].” For example, you may enjoy a recreational sports league while they catch up with friends at a brewery. When you’re back together, you update each other. Or, they may know it’s more helpful for you to talk about your body image struggles with a friend who understands it firsthand, and they encourage that relationship.

You two share a special relationship

Friendships, work relationships, and familial relationships all look different. The same goes for romantic relationships, especially when your partner is your best friend. Stockard believes having “a silly, unique relationship with them that you do not have with anyone else” is another clear sign your partner is your bestie. “When you are best friends with your partner, you not only feel comfortable being your authentic self, but they feel that same level of comfort, as well,” she says, adding that this comfort could entail making silly noises at each other, sharing inside jokes, or engaging in banter.

You want to share the meaningful and minuscule parts of your day

From the amazing omelet you had for breakfast to the serious conversation you had with your boss, everything is on the table with this partner. “When your partner is your best friend, you have the desire to share the smallest and the largest details of your day so that you can talk to them about it,” Stockard says. “They are your person to process the hard times together, or share in the good times together.”

You forgive each other after fights

All couples will disagree, whether it’s about what they “should” spend money on or whether that offhand comment was really NBD. When partners work through those arguments and forgive each other, though, they may also be best friends. “You both acknowledge that there are times when you may hurt one another (intentionally or unintentionally), but that does not mean the end of the relationship,” Cox says. “You both strive to communicate with kindness and respect.”

They love you unconditionally

Even at your worst, a partner who’s also a best friend will love and support you, according to Cox. Things like bedhead, bad takes about Love Island contestants, and the occasional freakout won’t run them off. Instead, you’ll be able to work through conflicts as a couple and your love will grow stronger. “We will brave and navigate challenges together, no matter what (and prove this through one’s behavior),” Cox adds.

They celebrate and support you wholeheartedly

When you’re happy about a new job opportunity, they’re happy with you. When you’re sad about losing a family member, they hurt, too. “They will celebrate your successes and cry with you during your disappointments and failures,” Cox says. They also want to help you grow, pushing you to get what’s in your best interest. “They will allow you to dream and challenge you to be your best,” Cox adds. This might look like encouraging you to push past social anxiety and go on that bachelorette trip, or encouraging you to advocate for a higher paycheck.

You consider each other’s needs and wants when it’s decision time

When you get a job offer in another state, for example, you’re not only thinking about how that would affect your life, but also your partner’s. You two would either become long-distance partners, or they might have to lose out on the friends, jobs, and other opportunities they have currently to move away with you. “You consider their best interest (not approval!) when making decisions and/or life changes,” Stockard says.

While these decisions are big ones, they aren’t always major. “For example, you want to go out for the night with other friends, but before confirming on these plans, you are considerate of the fact that you would be leaving your partner alone with the dog and the baby for the night, so you check in with them to understand their thoughts and feelings about what the available options are,” Stockard says.

Is it a red flag if your partner has no friends?

Your partner being friendless is not necessarily a red flag. What means more, relationship experts say, is what’s behind that. Is it a preference? An attitude problem? Unluckiness? (Making friends as an adult can be hard!) “Some people are neurodiverse and get their energy and replenishment from being solitary,” Cox adds, encouraging people to respect their partner’s personality and temperament. Cox adds that, in the past, she’s had clients who wished their partner had more friends and spent less time alone. But after digging deeper, the partner had lots of hobbies and interests—they just preferred solitude. “It is about respecting differences in one another without judgment,” she adds.

“It is absolutely okay to call your partner your best friend, especially if they are your best friend!” —Leanna Stockard, LMFT

On the other end of things, if your partner has no friends because they’re overly pessimistic and never interact with others, that can be a red flag, according to Cox. Stockard adds that the reason behind social anxiety or a fear of vulnerability is different (read: less concerning) than having a lack of friendships because of hurtful behavior.

Is it okay to call your partner your best friend?

If you ask someone if it’s “okay” to call your partner your best friend, you’re likely going to get various hot takes. Some may feel inclined to call their partner their best friend, while others may find that icky and embarrassing. Therapists say to screw the haters. “It is absolutely okay to call your partner your best friend, especially if they are your best friend!” Stockard says. “Just because some people think it is cringey or annoying to call your partner your best friend does not mean that you do not get to do it.”

Ultimately, she encourages doing and saying what feels genuine to you. In other words, it’s probably best to avoid saying it if you’re only doing so to prove something to other people, or to compensate for the fact they aren’t your best friend (and you feel like they “should” be), after all. Cox agrees this is a personal question, and adds that she has firsthand experience grappling with it. “Everyone is entitled to their viewpoints and what feels right for them,” she says. “I have had many couples with whom I work, and I also do call my husband my best friend.”

Is your partner meant to be your best friend?

Your partner might be your best friend, and that’s great! You might share common interests, want to tell each other everything, and spend lots of time connecting or just hanging out. Research from December 2017 in the Journal of Happiness Studies² found that this is often a good thing, with people who saw their spouse as their best friend reporting higher levels of happiness than spouses who didn’t consider their partners their best friends. At the same time, it’s also okay if your partner isn’t your best friend. Having close friends outside of your relationship is so important, too. It’s also possible, though, to feel somewhere in between. “You may consider your partner your best friend or one of your best friends,” Cox says. Basically, none of these situations inherently suggest your relationship is “wrong” or concerning.

Is it okay if your partner isn’t your best friend?

While it’s all good for your partner to be your best friend, it’s also all good if they’re not. “You may have childhood, high school, college, or adult friends that you are able to connect with on a level that perhaps you are not able to connect with your partner on,” Stockard says. She gives the example of having similar interests as a platonic friend and feeling extra connected when engaging in that hobby together.

The idea of your partner connecting better with someone else may make you feel uncomfortable. Could that be considered emotional cheating? Not necessarily, Stockard says. “You can have a best friend while still having a fulfilling relationship with your partner.” Stockard believes emotional cheating can become an issue if the relationship evolves into a more romantic one, or if it causes you to pull away from your romantic partner. “The friendship may transition into that sense of desire that you want to be more present with the other person than in your own relationship, and a lot of your emotional energy is consumed by the thought of seeing or talking to the affair partner again.” Believing this is a personal choice, Cox recommends having these conversations about what is and isn’t okay with each of you at the outset of the relationship (or ASAP).

Final thoughts

When it comes to the question of should your partner be your best friend, the answer lies within you and your partner(s). All couples are different, Stockard emphasizes. Just make sure what’s between you two is solid. “At the very least, your partner should at least be a friend to you,” she says. That may mean you trust them, enjoy spending time with them, and feel they bring joy to your life. In fact, a December 2022 study in Frontiers in Psychology¹ found that substantive interactions with partners and friends have a greater impact on a person’s overall happiness than fleeting interactions. In other words, it’s the quality of our relationships with others and the substance of our interactions that matter. That’s what’s important—not semantics or labels.