When it comes to self-awareness, it’s easy for the concept to get more confusing the more you try to unpack it. After all, isn’t self-awareness just…being aware of the self? How does someone have a lack of self awareness? Is it the same as being selfish or self-centered? Exactly how aware of yourself are you supposed to be in the möbius strip of self? According to organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich, PhD, author of Insight and years-long researcher of the trait, true self-awareness is rarer than you’d think, encompassing “the will and skill to understand who we are and how other people see us,” she says. Since both the will and skill elements are essential to forming meaningful connections, classic signs of low self-awareness can often turn up as relationship roadblocks.

In other words, “self-awareness is the ability to recognize and understand our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors—both good and bad—and how they affect other people,” explains licensed therapist Kristin Anderson, LCSW.

“Self-awareness is the ability to recognize and understand our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors—both good and bad—and how they affect other people.”—Kristin Anderson, LCSW, licensed therapist

And while a lack of self-awareness can cause relationship roadblocks, it can also be quite painful for the person themselves. We spoke to the experts to uncover more about what exactly constitutes a lack of self-awareness—and what you can do about it.

Why is self-awareness important?

Self-awareness is one of the key pillars that psychologist Abby Medcalf, PhD, emphasizes in her relationships-focused practice. “I can teach people all the greatest relationship tools—like how to be a good communicator or be empathetic—but if they can’t notice when they’re communicating poorly, for example, then it won’t do them any good,” she says.

In other words, you can’t fix what you don’t realize is broken. “What self-awareness does is allow you to see your natural [shortcomings] and how those might impact others around you,” says Dr. Medcalf. Without that understanding, a person is likely to “overestimate their strengths and underestimate what stands in their way,” she adds. While a lack of self-awareness isn’t inherently bad, especially when compared to things such as callous personality traits, hypocritical behavior, or other friendship red flags (or relationship red flags), a lack of self-awareness can cause other problems down the line if unchecked.

Are all people supposed to be self-aware?

Is everyone self-aware? Ideally yes, says licensed psychologist Michele Leno, PhD. “It is in our best interest to be self-aware,” she says, adding that “self-awareness leads to increased self-regulation, which allows us to know and pursue our heart’s desires.”

That being said, “the reality is that self-awareness varies from person to person,” says Anderson. “Not everyone has good self-awareness, but it is something that can change over time and be improved upon. With the support of a therapist, someone can learn to become more self-aware.” Anderson adds.

As for what causes differences in self-awareness? This can be due to a variety of factors, including whether or not they were “challenged to think on a deeper level, [if they] lacked adequate self-esteem, had self-awareness modeled for them, or proper socialization during childhood to reinforce engagement in self-awareness,” explains therapist Sejginha Williams-Abaku, LMFT.

6 signs that a person lacks self-awareness, according to mental health experts

1. They don’t recognize how their choices affect their mental health

One indication a person might have a lack of self-awareness is “a persistent engagement in unhealthy patterns or habits, despite recognizing their negative impacts,” explains psychotherapist Kristie Tse, MA, LMHC, founder at Uncover Mental Health Counseling. This can look like, “individuals who continue to overcommit to work, disregarding their own well-being, yet express confusion about their feelings of burnout,” Tse adds.

2. They may feel the need to be the center of attention

Anderson also points out that someone who lacks self-awareness “often struggles to allow others to take center stage and might feel worthless if they don’t have all eyes on them.”

3. They’re regularly defensive

When a person isn’t self-aware, they’re often unable to recognize the ways in which they might have faltered. So, when those instances are called out by a partner or friend—perhaps they were acting overly controlling or said something unintentionally hurtful—the person lacking self-awareness tends to respond as if they’re being attacked. “That might look like someone saying, ‘Oh, I was just trying to do X, or I was just trying to help,’ rather than, ‘Oops, sorry, I overstepped my bounds,’” says Dr. Medcalf.

In other scenarios, that defensiveness could even translate to blaming others for any negative circumstances, says life and divorce coach Karen Finn, PhD: “A person without self-awareness tends to have difficulty accepting any responsibility for the repercussions of their actions.”

4. You can’t fully trust them

A person who’s not aware of how they’re being perceived by others is more likely to be unpredictable, says Dr. Eurich. And unpredictability can quickly breed distrust. “It’s tough to connect with someone and to trust someone who lacks self-awareness because you often can’t tell if they’re just out for themselves, or if they even know what they’re hoping to achieve,” she says.

In that vein, it’s also common to feel like you need to omit or withhold information from someone who lacks self-awareness because you don’t feel as though they have the wherewithal to handle it well, says Dr. Medcalf. “It’s sort of like, ‘If you don’t even know that you tend to do X or Y thing, then how can I trust you with this information that makes me vulnerable?’” she says. “And as soon as you start keeping those secrets, you start to get into relationship trouble.”

5. They’re arrogant

Given that an over-estimation of self-worth is one of the key signs of low self-awareness, arrogance often follows closely behind. “People with low self-awareness tend to need that reminder of, ‘I am not the center of the universe,’” says Dr. Eurich. In practice, that world-revolves-around-me arrogance can show up as an inflated sense of their own contributions and performance or a tendency to take full credit for any successes while explaining away their failures, Dr. Eurich adds.

6. They lack sympathy or empathy

A person without self-awareness will struggle to put themselves in the shoes of other people. “Because they’re unaware of their emotions, they’re often not able to see how their behaviors might be contributing to a situation at hand,” says Dr. Finn.

The key point here is the fact that they don’t realize or recognize their role in a problem; unlike manipulative people, those who lack self-awareness are not deliberately hurtful. “The most un-self-aware people just have absolutely no idea the carnage they might be creating around them,” says Dr. Eurich.

On a less intense note, it also follows that these folks just won’t be able to read the room in a group setting. “They’re the person you’re kicking under the table because they won’t stop talking about themselves, or they’re broaching a sensitive topic that they can’t tell is making people uncomfortable,” says Dr. Eurich. And it’s not hard to see why: How could they be truly attuned to the feelings of others in a group if they aren’t even fully aware of their own?

Dealing with a person who isn’t self-aware

Here, Anderson shares a few important tips on how to deal with a person who isn’t self-aware.

1. Be patient

“The most important thing you can do when you’re dealing with someone who isn’t self-aware is to be patient,” says Anderson, adding that “the lack of self-awareness might not be intentional.”

2. Express how you feel using “I” statements

Anderson also notes that “instead of attacking their behaviors, try expressing how their actions make you feel by using ‘I’ statements. For example, ‘I feel hurt when you blame me for your mistakes.”

3. Set boundaries

Finally, Anderson suggests setting boundaries in order to protect yourself. “If someone’s behavior is consistently harmful, politely but firmly let them know what is acceptable and what isn’t, and stick to those boundaries to protect your own well-being.”