Believe it or not, you manipulate people. We all do it: tell a little white lie to make a sibling feel better, dangle the promise of a good time to get a friend to join you for a night out, omit facts to soften the blow of bad news. Some types of manipulation are actually considered prosocial behaviors¹—that is, we do them for other people’s benefit. Emotional manipulation falls on a spectrum, though, and as you edge away from pure, good-hearted actions, the effects of manipulation get darker and darker. At the opposite end of those prosocial manipulative tactics is manipulative behavior that’s used to control, deceive, and coerce.

“Manipulation, at its core, is a set of behaviors used with the intention to control, coerce, or deceptively influence another person,” explains trauma therapist Monica Amorosi, LMHC, CCTP, NCC. If you’ve been the target of someone else’s manipulative behavior, you’ve likely felt the impact: perhaps you doubt yourself or your judgment, harbor a sense of shame or inadequacy, or feel forced to act against your will or instincts. And if you’ve been the victim of manipulation, you likely want to keep it from happening again.

Understanding how someone manipulated you and learning to spot it can help, though it’s tricky: There are so many different types of manipulation someone can use. Below, Amorosi and Jasmonae Joyriel, PsyD, a licensed psychologist who specializes in trauma and relationships, break down what different types of manipulation look like, how to spot manipulative behavior, and what you can do to break free from their control.

What are the most common types of manipulation?

“Lying is probably the most common type of manipulation, as it’s a universal behavior across the developmental lifespan for most people,” Amorosi says. “A healthy person will develop in a way where they no longer feel the need to lie”—that is if they can tolerate consequences, develop empathy for other people, and have moral connections to honesty. “But someone may hold onto lying as a self-protective behavior, to avoid responsibility, get more social praise, or control their environment,” she says.

What kind of person manipulates others?

Almost everyone manipulates others to a certain degree, and many people do it unconsciously or compulsively (that is, not intentionally). People who continually exhibit manipulative behavior may have navigated adverse experiences earlier in life, have trauma, have disrupted development, or be dealing with a personality disorder.

“At the heart of their manipulative endeavors, I typically find significant feelings of unworthiness and shame.” —Jasmonae Joyriel, PsyD

People who are unaware of the types of manipulation they demonstrate often have unmet, unexpressed, or unidentified needs that they worry will not be met, Dr. Joyriel says. They resort to manipulation rather than risking vulnerability. For people who are aware of their manipulation efforts, it’s often more about power and dominance than fear and rejection, she continues. “At the heart of their manipulative endeavors, I typically find significant feelings of unworthiness and shame.”

What are the tactics of manipulation?

There are many types of manipulation tactics someone can use to gain power or control over a person or situation, Dr. Joyriel says. “Certain types of manipulation cause more devastation than others because of their ability to erode and destroy the sense of safety and trust in others and oneself,” she adds.

The following list of types of manipulation isn’t exhaustive—you’d be surprised how many different types of manipulation exist—but it does cover many of the main manipulation tactics you might see in interpersonal relationships of any kind.

1. Gaslighting

You’ve almost no doubt heard of gaslighting before; it’s become an internet buzzword and was named Merriam-Webster’s 2023 word of the year, though, the widespread use also means it’s often used incorrectly. Gaslighting is “attempting to manipulate someone into questioning their own realities, doubting their own thoughts, and mistrusting their own judgment,” Amorosi explains. For example, take this 2022 Reddit post on r/AskReddit: A user asked for an explanation of gaslighting as well as examples of it, and another user responded: “There is no such word as gaslighting, you’re making things up.” While the comment was a joke, it’s a great example of what gaslighting tactics can look like in a simple exchange.

2. Love bombing

“Love bombing involves attempting to coerce someone into attaching to you by performing as a more loving or caring partner than you actually are,” Amorosi explains. This often happens at the beginning of a relationship and is a manipulative tactic that tends to be glamorized by movies and TV. Someone will act like the “perfect” partner, making elaborate plans, giving gifts, saying all the right things, only to drop the behaviors later; it was all an act.

3. Shaming or guilt-tripping

Shaming is when someone uses humiliation, embarrassment, or guilt to manipulate another person into doing something they don’t want to or wouldn’t otherwise do, Amorosi says. When guilt is weaponized for this purpose (think: “If you really loved me, you’d…”), it can be known as guilt-tripping.

4. Lying

Yes, lying is a manipulation tactic—and perhaps the most commonly used one of all. It’s when someone offers a response or explanation that’s not true, Amorosi says. “Lying is a behavior that can be intentional, compulsive, or subconscious, depending on the motive of the behavior and the developmental health of the person,” she adds.

5. Playing victim

A manipulator may “play the victim” by using sympathy or empathy to manipulate their way out of consequences or admitting fault, Amorosi explains. You’ve definitely seen this in arguments between people in movies or on TV: one person is clearly in the wrong, but when they’re confronted about their actions, they find some way to get pity out of the other person and make themselves look like the one who needs help.

6. Blaming

This manipulation tactic works by placing fault on another person as a way to avoid consequences or take responsibility, Amorosi says. Think: “It’s not my fault I never learned how to be in a healthy relationship because my parents were the worst.”

7. Silent treatment

The “silent treatment” is, in fact, a manipulation tactic. It involves ignoring someone and refusing to address issues or repair a connection as a form of punishment or to manipulate the other person into engaging first, Amorosi explains.

8. Emotional blackmail

Emotional blackmail is when someone alludes that something terrible might happen or someone may feel something uncomfortable to manipulate another person into compliance, Amorosi explains.

9. Flattery or charm

This is when someone uses positive emotions and compliments to manipulate someone into doing something they wouldn’t otherwise do, Amorosi says.

10. Triangulation

Triangulation is when someone uses a third person to create drama or take sides to manipulate the situation or the outcome of a conflict, Amorosi explains.

11. Moving goalposts

Moving goalposts is when someone makes unending changes in their expectations of another person (which are typically impossible to meet), to manipulate them into continuous change or effort, Amorosi says. Perhaps a parent promises their kid a trip to Disney World if they get good grades, but when their straight-A report card comes in, the parent will say it’s not good enough: They need A+ report cards.

12. Future faking

“Future faking is a future-focused lie to get another person’s hopes up or to manipulate them to stay connected or in a relationship,” Amorosi says. For example, a romantic partner might talk about a future wedding or vacation plan even when they have no intention of making that future actually come true.

13. Minimizing

When minimizing, a manipulator might make someone feel overdramatic (i.e. “you’re overreacting” or “it’s not that big of a deal”) or downplay the impact of what they’ve done in order to skirt the consequences of their actions, Amorosi says.

14. Isolation

By isolating someone, a manipulator can limit the people and/or information another person has access to, so they’re more likely to control the other person’s thoughts and behaviors, Amorosi says.

15. Devaluation

Devaluation involves breaking down someone’s self-esteem so a manipulator can better control their behavior, Amorosi says.

16. Threat of violence

This manipulation tactic involves the use of fear and anxiety as emotional tools to manipulate someone into submission or compliance, Amorosi adds.

17. Exaggeration

“Exaggeration is a form of lying where the truth is inflated to manipulate people into giving them more praise or compassion than is deserved,” Amorosi explains.

18. Resource dangling

Dangling resources (like money, access to relationships, a promotion, etc.) can be a form of manipulative behavior that happens often in parent- and adult-child relationships, Dr. Joyriel says.

Signs of manipulative behavior

Being aware of the different types of manipulation above can help you spot if someone is manipulating you, but it can also help to keep an eye out for the following signs, Amorosi says.

• Body language: How authentic does it feel to watch this person? Does their body language match their words? Do they perform different body language in different environments or situations?
• Use of insecurities: Do they try to make people feel bad? Are they passive-aggressive? Do they try to maintain an air of superiority around other people?
• Flexibility: How much are they willing to sway to the needs of other people? Do they prioritize other people? Are they ever willing to sacrifice their own comfort for others?
• Mirroring: Do they change how they act based on who they are around? Do they have an inconsistent personality? Do their stories or needs change based on who they are talking to?
• Dishonesty: Do you notice inconsistencies in their stories? Do they tend to deny things or blame other people? Do they tend to exaggerate or downplay things?
• Fear: Do people feel uncomfortable around them? Do they sow fear into their relationships? Do they make people feel guilty, ashamed, or insecure?

Causes of manipulative behavior

The first thing to know is that not all manipulators do it on purpose. “Some people manipulate intentionally, meaning they know they’re being deceptive, and they intend to influence or control without regard for how the other person feels,” Amorosi says. Others manipulate compulsively, “meaning they know they’re being deceptive, but they may feel like they have no choice, can’t control it, or may even feel shame for doing it,” she continues. Finally, some people do it subconsciously; “they have poor insight into how they’re being deceptive, or they haven’t learned to assess their own behaviors, so they may not realize they’re attempting to control or harm another person,” she says.

Kids can be subconscious manipulators², for example, and are often just trying to get their needs met. People-pleasers who think they’re doing the right thing may also be subconsciously manipulating people, she adds. “For those who are unaware of their manipulative behavior, I find they often have unmet, unexpressed, or unidentified needs that they fear cannot/will not be met,” Dr. Joyriel adds. “Rather than risking vulnerability or rejection, they resort to manipulation in hopes of finding a work around to satisfy their needs.”

“Ultimately, you may notice that your autonomy, agency, or boundaries are being consistently pushed against whilst in their presence.” —Jasmonae Joyriel, PsyD

While we often think of manipulation as a malicious thing, it can also be an act of survival or self-preservation, Amorosi says. And a reminder: everyone engages in manipulation sometimes. That said, more consistent displays of manipulation are often signs of some disruption earlier in a person’s life, whether it was a threat to their safety or a disruption in their development of healthy attachment, morals, or empathy, Amorosi says. “Abuse, harmful relationships, unmet needs, and disrupted development can all lead to manipulation as an unhealthy and maladaptive way to move through the world,” she says.

If someone has had moral development disruption, for example, they wouldn’t be able to make sound decisions about what is right versus wrong. Someone with attachment disruption would have trouble trusting others, feeling safe in relationships, and believing their needs will be met. If someone experiences a safety disruption, they may not get their needs met and have larger issues with health and functioning. Empathy disruption, meanwhile, can prevent people from being able to hold space for other peoples’ perspectives, feelings, and needs. Any of these might lead to adopting manipulative behavior.

Research also shows that people with certain mental health conditions³—including antisocial personality disorder⁴, borderline personality disorder⁵, and narcissistic personality disorder⁶—may be more likely to engage in manipulative behavior, whether it’s intentional or not.

How to identify manipulation

Becoming familiar with the signs and types of manipulation above can help you identify when it’s happening to you or someone you know. However, identifying manipulation can also be less about what the other person is doing and more about how you feel in their presence, Dr. Joyriel says. If someone consistently leaves you with feelings of shame, doubt, uncertainty, or coercion, it can be a big red flag to look more deeply at what’s going on.

This is especially true if you experience moments of clarity followed by doubt and insecurity in the presence of this particular person, Dr. Joyriel says. “Manipulative tactics may leave you feeling fear of retaliation or excessive fear when following your intuition. You may also feel excessive adoration and affection,” she says. “Ultimately, you may notice that your autonomy, agency, or boundaries are being consistently pushed against whilst in their presence.”

Some feelings to look out for include:

• Feeling inadequate
• Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells
• Feeling like you need to take the blame
• Fear at the idea of upsetting or confronting the person
• Doubting yourself and your judgments
• Doubting the other person and their intentions
• Doubting how things will play out
• Uncertainty over whether or not you can trust the other person or believe what they say
• Uncertainty over the person’s motives or if you’re being used
• You’re engaging in acts that go against your gut instinct

How can you tell if someone is a master manipulator?

A master manipulator is almost always behaving intentionally (though there are certainly exceptions as human behavior is so vast), Amorosi says. “They use repeated tactics of manipulation, try to manipulate many people in their lives, and feel little to no shame about being manipulative,” she says. They likely derive feelings of power and even entertainment from it. Because master manipulators are so good at manipulation, it may be hard for others to pick up on what they’re doing. They may also be perceived as genuinely charming or authentic, and have a lot of control over their reputation and persona. This all makes it harder to doubt them, and even easier for them to manipulate people.

How to cope with manipulation

How you deal with a manipulator will depend on how safe or unsafe the situation feels, how close you are to the person, and whether or not you have the choice to stop engaging with them. For instance, you wouldn’t deal with a manipulative boss, mother-in-law, or boyfriend in exactly the same way.

First, if the manipulator you’re dealing with feels largely safe (i.e. they won’t engage in extreme conflict or violence) and you have an established relationship with them (like a close friend or romantic partner), you may be able to address the issue head-on, Amorosi says. It’s very possible they don’t realize their behavior is harmful to you. You’ll want to define your perspective, decision, or boundary, and be able to articulate how and why you came to that conclusion, Dr. Joyriel suggests. “This allows you to remain grounded in yourself.” For example, when do you notice the person manipulating you? How does it affect you? What do you need them to do differently in the future? And prepare yourself for how the other person might respond. Afterward, assess how authentic the conversation felt and determine how many “chances” you want to give them to be less manipulative while assessing if the relationship is worth keeping, Amorosi says.

Second, if the manipulator is someone you don’t have a deep relationship with but is unavoidable (like extended family or a co-worker) you’ll need to employ some self-protection around them, Amorosi says. For example, limit how much you interact with them, protect yourself from absorbing their manipulation, notice their tactics, try not to engage, and remind yourself you don’t need to feel guilty by not letting them manipulate you.

Third, if the manipulator is someone you are deeply connected to but can’t escape (like a parent or abusive partner), you should engage in very deep and intentional self-protection, Amorosi says. If the person is “safe” (not violent or destructive), you’ll need to work on setting boundaries, being assertive, staying calm, trusting yourself and your instincts, not absorbing their guilt or coercion, resisting the obligation to please them, and picking your battles. If the person is not safe (that is, they’re violent or destructive), it’s best to “perform submission to avoid more profound harm while reminding yourself you are only doing this as a means of protection until you can escape them,” Amorosi says. “Engage as little as possible in their attempts to coax you into manipulation.” Focus on staying insightful and aware to help prevent them from breaking you down, and leave as soon as you are able to, Amorosi urges.

Seeking help for dealing with manipulation

There’s no harm in seeing a mental health professional if you have any doubts about whether or not your interpersonal relationships with others are healthy. However, if you’re looking for some specific signs that mean you should seek expert help, Amorosi shares some below.

If you believe you’re being manipulated, a therapist can help you understand your feelings, where they are coming from, and how to protect yourself from harm—and, if necessary, help you process the relationship and potentially explore ways to escape, Amorosi says. Seek help when you notice:

• A change in emotions: feeling more shame, fear, guilt, embarrassment, doubt, etc.
• A change in behaviors: you’re doing things you wouldn’t normally do, feel like you can’t say no to or set boundaries around, feel like you can’t prioritize yourself, or are going against your instincts
• A change in your relationship: things feel controlling, one-sided, abusive, coercive, etc.

If you think you are being manipulative, seek help if:

• You can’t empathize with other people: you don’t understand their points of view, you don’t care about their feelings, you don’t care if you hurt them.
• You feel so afraid of consequences or looking bad that you do anything to avoid being held accountable: You notice you can’t stop lying, minimizing, or blaming other people, even when you notice it was your fault or responsibility.
• You instill fear in others: People tend to respond to you with fear, aversion, etc. and you wish your relationships were more profound and more emotionally connected.
• You can’t take responsibility for your actions: You find that you lie a lot, displace blame, identify with victimhood, exaggerate, or make false promises.
• You’re used to always getting your way: If you feel entitled to benefits, comfort, getting away with things, etc.

There are several types of manipulation that someone might implement to get their way. If you feel you’re being manipulated, it’s important to remain grounded and stay true to yourself to evade further manipulative behavior. “The most effective way to outsmart a manipulator is to have crystal clear clarity of your needs, your boundaries, and who you choose to be,” Dr. Joyriel says. If you can maintain a firm grasp on your reality, a manipulator will be less likely to convince you to fall for their version of things, and you can move forward knowing you’ve made your boundaries clear.